Becoming a Monster

Chapter 523: Chapter 522: Selfish Love

Despite agreeing to follow Noah’s plan, Varkesh didn’t leave right away. With his battered state and broken wrist just after being healed, Noah continued to convince the others of his devilish personality by having Gwen heal him again.

The atmosphere between the two was smothered with awkwardness. Gwen hesitated to heal him.

It’s not that she didn’t want to; guilt was making it harder to take that step forward. However, Varkesh couldn’t say anything.

He could barely look in her direction. Not only did he confess his love for her, but he also had yet to get rid of his earlier demons.

Not to mention the beating he just received from her, Gwen’s words still haunt him, unsure if she really meant it.

Gwen took a step forward before stopping again, her hand lifting slightly before falling back to her side. She didn’t know how to approach him anymore. The distance between them was heavier than before.

”...Let me fix it,” she said.

Varkesh’s shoulders tightened at her voice. For a moment, it looked like he wouldn’t respond, but his arm shifted slightly, just enough for her to reach it.

He still didn’t look at her, but his body relaxed more than it had before.

Gwen took that as permission. Her hair began to move, making him flinch. That moment almost broke her just as much as she had broken him.

Immediately, she gave up using her hair, settling to use her hands instead as she slowly held his wrist. Her touch was light, making sure that she would do nothing else to cause him pain before focusing her mana.

The contact made him tense, but he didn’t pull away.

Neither of them spoke after that.

The only movement between them was the slow mending of his wrist, the broken structure setting back into place under her control.

Varkesh found himself struggling to remain silent. Her healing could soothe his mind and body, but that only allowed him to think clearly.

”...Did you mean it?” he asked.

The question came out quieter than he intended.

Gwen’s hand paused for just a moment before continuing. However, her control was no longer the same.

”I didn’t have a choice,” she said, her grip tightened subconsciously, thinking about what she did.

”I didn’t want this to happen...”

Varkesh had originally let out a faint breath, almost like a laugh without the humor. Didn’t have a choice?

He wanted to retort, but how could he when he was also in the same situation?

He was about to go and lead people to their deaths, people that he had interacted with before, people who had families, dreams. If he truly had a choice, then he wouldn’t do it.

Realizing that made him not only feel guilty with himself, but he was nearly disgusted for having such thoughts about her that way. He had no right to judge her.

Gwen was surprised when Varkesh slammed a fist directly into his face, busting his nose to the point that it was nearly broken.

”Varkesh-”

”I won’t be able to understand why you said those things, but...”

Blood ran from his nose, dripping down as he lowered his hand.

”And I’m afraid to know if that was truly how you feel. I don’t have the right to question it. Not when I couldn’t protect you.”

Varkesh wiped at the blood with the back of his hand, not putting much effort into stopping it.

”What I’m about to do... I may regret it forever... I’ll have to live with their deaths on my conscience. But...”

Finally, he lifted his head to look into her eyes.

”Even if you don’t accept my feelings, even if you despise me, resent me for what I’m about to do for you... I’ll still choose to do it again.”

Gwen’s expression tightened as she listened. She no longer maintained the concentration on her mana while her emotions tangled with her thoughts.

”...You’re wrong.” Varkesh froze as he looked down at her hands and then back up to her face.

”I don’t despise you, but this is exactly why I had to do it. I don’t want any of this.” Tears threatened to flow, but behind them was anger.

”Do it for me? How many will die? Varkesh! How many people are you willing to sacrifice just for me? This isn’t what I want!”

Varkesh held her gaze for a moment longer before letting out a slow breath.

There wasn’t anything he could say that would make it better. Nothing he could do would fix the burden he inadvertently placed on her.

If she expected something like this to happen, then he could understand why she had done what she did. He was being selfish, thinking he was doing all of this for her, when in reality he was choosing himself first.

He looked at her for a moment longer before turning away, putting distance between them, before he could hesitate again.

”... I’m sorry.” He stood there for a moment longer, as if waiting for something that never came.

What he was about to do couldn’t be undone, and he was doing this without full certainty that he would even make it through this alive.

If the guild sees through his lies, would they kill him? If the church interrogated him, would they uncover everything? And even after he brings them here, would he make it out of the battle alive?

He wasn’t certain about any of this, but as he took another glance back, there was no longer any doubt in his eyes.

Finally, his gaze made its way to Noah.

”I don’t know how long before I make it back.”

Noah’s head tilted; it was as though he was confused about what the tiger was trying to get at.

”That doesn’t matter,” he said. ”But don’t think that if you fail to bring them here, that I’ll still hold up my end of the deal.”

Varkesh hesitated to give a slight nod. He didn’t know what he was expecting.

It left him with a sour feeling. He knew Noah didn’t care about him at all. But to see that Noah didn’t seem to care if he brought people here or not, it made him feel foolish that he had threatened to take his life back then.

There was nothing else to say.

He turned fully this time, not stopping again as he started toward the edge of the territory. Each step felt harder than the last.

Once he leaves here, he’ll have to face everything on his own. And having to recount what happened here will only be part of the battle. He would also have to confront the rest of his party and recount to them that everyone except him had died.

Everyone else no longer watched as the tiger’s silhouette began to fade into the distance. It was only Gwen who stood there, watching, even when his figure disappeared behind the forest gates.

She probably would’ve stood there even longer, but suddenly she jerked backward. Pandora’s form materialized directly in front of her, inches from her face.

Pandora didn’t mind her reaction; she had seen it too many times. Instead, she was concerned about something else.

”Why... are you in pain?”

Her roots seeped from the ground, coiling around Gwen with a cautious movement.

”Pandora, what are you expecting to find?”

Pandora’s roots froze. Although she didn’t need to, her illusion still turned her head to address him.

Ever since the day Noah had grabbed her hand, grounding her illusion and allowing her to feel what it meant to have a real body, she had become more aware of it.

Of what she felt, of what others felt. She desired for her illusory form to be just like a real body.

”She’s hurt...” She went straight to the point, her roots resume what they were doing before.

”But... she’s not hurt?... why?”

Noah looked to Gwen with amused expectation. This is exactly what he believed Pandora needed.

Gwen didn’t know what Noah had planned for her. But the embarrassment was still there.

”It’s nothi-” She was about to downplay it before she stopped herself.

She was a monster, but she also grew closer to achieving her dream. If she could teach Pandora love, if she could direct Pandora on the path to be a dryad more worthy than even their ancestral dryad, then her dream would not be far behind.

”Do you know what emotions are?”

—

Noah didn’t stay behind to listen to their discussion. He was satisfied knowing that Pandora’s growth was inevitable if it continued along this route.

Right now, he had a lot that still needed to be addressed.

No one followed him when they noticed the direction he was walking in. His mind was overflowing with ideas about what he needed to do before they potentially faced the most intense battle they had ever fought.

His thoughts quickly had to be put on hold when he reached his destination.

”Are you going to welcome me in?” Noah spoke aloud to seemingly no one, his voice echoing through the cave, too dark for normal eyes to see through.

Despite the darkness, Noah’s eyes never lingered away from one spot.

Time passed without movement, but Noah didn’t budge, his stare just as intense as before.

It was only when the figure inside the cave could no longer stand being under his gaze that it finally moved.

”What do you want?”