Martial King's Retired Life

Book 12: Chapter 36

Hell no, I didn’t expect this development.

The Disciplinary Department’s duty was to protect Daren Academy’s integrity. For instance, they disciplined students who were late, didn’t listen in class, didn’t wash their underpants and so forth. I always wondered how bored one had to be to sniff someone’s underpants. Like, are you my mother or something?

Song Lian looked to me. “What are you looking at? Did you change yours?”

“Every day.”

Rather than my mother, Song Lian oozed the vibe of a creepy pervert. He examined me with his shifty eyes, then sniffed me.

“You lied!”

Since when?!

“Are you insulting this old one’s nose? This old one’s specialises in his sense of smell. As soon as he moulds qi, be it a dog, fiend or monster, this old one can identify them. The strong odour you emanate proves you haven’t washed in a week and haven’t changed your underwear in eight days.”

“You have too many complaints for me to rebuff! I washed last night. Go ask our boss if you don’t believe me!”

“Who’s your boss? You washed together? You dare to call your boss over for questioning?”

“Don’t test me. I’m not afraid of you. Our boss is Liu Shan Men’s Vice-Captain Shen.”

“Wait” Zhao Tiankui interjected. “… I’ve been busy running between the barracks and my home daily, so I forgot to wash for a few days. Perhaps the odour you smell is coming from me.” He took off afterwards.

I held my gaze against Song Lian’s.

Song Lian had another sniff once Zhao Tiankui was gone. “Hmph, that’s more like it.”

Just how much do you like sniffing underwear, not to mention men’s underwear?! Someone please tell me how Song Clan has such a positive reputation when they have a crotch-sniffing lover!

Wearing a perplexed expression, Song Lian remarked, “I hear your class has registered for the academy idol competition. Quanmu class is overestimating itself. Since you are participating, you will honour the academy’s rules. Should I catch any violations, I’ll revoke your right to participate.” Then he strolled off with his hands behind his back.

… Are you telling me you waited for me by the entrance to sniff my underpants and rebuff me? The Disciplinary Department really must be bored out of their skin!

As I made my way in, I deliberated the old man’s threat. He had a point. If I could compete, how would I repay my debt? According to the academy’s regluations, being punished to stand three times equalled a minor offence on your record. Three minor offences equalled one major offence. Two major offences were enough grounds for expulsion. I had already received standing punishment four times.

Crap! I only have five more chances?! How is any human being supposed to survive this?! I swear I will never let myself be punished again. Nev-

A book landed on my face the moment I entered the classroom.

Uncle Huang fumed, “Ming Feizhen, where have you been during morning classes?! Go stand outside the door!”

***

“I swear I will never let myself be punished again. Never,” I repeated in my head over and over as I stood by the door with a board with “I will not be late for class again” hanging from my neck.

“You sure are a genius in your own right. People seldom get punished to stand three times in a year, yet you’ve been punished five days in a span of only a few days since you started,” He Shi remarked.

He Shi didn’t have the best health around, but he was an absolute weapon at studying and came to school early. The exams were coming up in a few months. Therefore, Uncle Huang allowed him to self-study during class times, and he chose to keep me company at the door.

“You met Proctor Song? He is not targeting you; every student is his target. Proctor Song is Song Clan’s Lord Song’s younger brother. His strong sense of justice and outspoken personality renders him prone to clashing with people, which is why he was sent here to work as a proctor. In reality, his appointment is exile from the clan. The fact that he has continued to serve here for twenty years shows that he refuses to bow to his family, not that he would be of any use to them if he were to return to them now. If there is a problem with him, it’s that he’s too strict in upholding the academy’s integrity.”

“Why does it sound like he hasn’t sniffed your underpants before?”

“Do you think that’s even possible? He doesn’t show any favouritism. I have to admire him for that.”

I smiled. “To me, it sounds like he’s your role model.”

“Not true. Governing a nation is not about being unmovable. What good is it to operate on a plane nobody else can follow and lose the heart of the people? Being able to convey big promises and invigorate the people’s spirit cannot put bread on their table. Books say, ‘People admit to their transgressions’. Who is ever silly enough to own up to their own transgressions? The only thing they will own up to is their mistakes, not their crimes. If self-governance could be observed, what’s the point of having the imperial court?

“Proctor Song is outspoken, but that is also attributed to his prestigious background. If I were in his shoes, I’d break two legs on the first day. His Highness is lenient. If it were me, I’d twist my neck off and throw it over the wall. It’s not like anybody would find out. Look, if you need to speak, speak. Why are you touching my leg?”

“Just checking if you were beat that bad to say something like that.”

“… Do you know the reason I’ve been studying since I was a kid despite ten days feeling like one?”

“Cultivate yourself. Bring order to your family. Govern your people. Bring peace to all?”

“Wrong. It’s to find employment as an official.”

“…”

He Shi rolled his eyes. “I just told you talk wouldn’t solve problems, only for you to suggest that?”

“You didn’t have to be so blunt.”

“Why? My goal always was to become an official. How does one govern a country without being an official? You think reading is fun? Among all the Confucian ideals I read, I disagree with eight out of ten of them, yet I still have to memorise them.”

This guy isn’t just an official addict but even a rebel. Uncle Huang, your judgement is something else. How did you end up picking this guy?

He Shi chortled in response to my taken-aback reaction. “If you ask me, your enrolment is what’s weird. What part of you suggests you’re a scholar? If you weren’t clean and lousy at fighting, I’d mistake you for a bandit, the big-time type in the mountains.”

Not only is this guy a rebel, but he’s incredibly perceptive, too! Uncle Huang, how about I pre-emptively nip this problem in the bud? Otherwise, he might blackmail you with your mah-jong debts if he finds out about them!

Glossary

Song Clan’s lord – Because Song Clan refers to themselves as Song Clan Fortress, they also use a different title to the more common “patriarch” that we’ve come across so far in the story. Hence, I assigned him the “lord” title to emphasise this distinction. On the topic of the “fortress” part, I omit it from their name because you don’t always call a restaurant, shop and so forth by their name + the type of business they are. I find it strange to be adding the business type to every name when we don’t actually do that in English.

“Cultivate yourself. Bring order to your family. Govern your people. Bring peace to all?” – In case someone recognises this and wants to nitpick, the 国 in this phrase doesn’t refer to countries. The 国 of this era (that this phrase was written) is translated as “States”. The 天下 (domain under heaven) is also a troublesome concept to translate because, as we know it now, a nation is a country, but 天下 can be split into many countries. That’s why I didn’t use those words in the translation. Welcome to the non-xuanhuan world, where it’s not everything goes.