Martial King's Retired Life

Liu Shan Men and the Three Departments - Helping a Dragon Evolve into a Sovereign

I didnʼt have anything to say. Grandmasterʼs divinations had a one in five chance of coming true at best. Nobody could say with absolute certainty that he was right. Up until this point, I still didnʼt know what he meant by ”Be careful of women… and men”. In this case, though, Wudang and Shaolinʼs patriarchs came to the same conclusion. Hence, it was more credible. That being the case, the Emperor had sound reasons to be so superstitious about it.

If I was to be honest, I was fairly convinced the three old geezers colluded to dupe the Emperor… but I couldnʼt identify a motive for them to take it so far. If the prophecy held true, the nation would be plunged into absolute chaos with the six Princes contending for the throne. In turn, my salary from Liu Shan Men would be doomed. Seriously, the nationʼs future was worrisome.

I reminded myself, ”I need to go to Eight Deities Tavern in a second! Wait for me, my pork shoulders!”

”What about the other letter?”

”Thatʼs your shifuʼs letter to you.”

”Hmm?” I blinked several times. I doubted my ears. When it finally registered, I exclaimed, ”Shifu? Oh, so he does remember to write me letters!”

The son of a beep dumped Jinganʼs mess on me, and then took off to go enjoy himself. I searched and searched to no avail!”

”When I wrote the letter to Mount Daluo, I wrote one to your shifu, our patriarch,” said Young Shiyi, shyly yet charmingly.

”I told him… I was staying with you at Liu Shan Men and asked for his opinion.”

”Huh? S-Staying with me at Liu Shan Men?!” I exclaimed to myself.

Without looking at me and forcing herself to sound composed, Shiyi said, ”Youʼre a junior, so it would be hard for you to bring it up with your shifu. Itʼs only reasonable for me to notify the sect, since Iʼve joined Liu Shan Men, right?”

While she said that, there was a ”I wasnʼt helping you” undertone. I was unexpectedly touched. Shiyi was aware that I was always in a tough position when I had to speak to Mount Daluo. I chose not to lead the clan and wanted to slack off, so I actually let the sect down in many ways. For that reason, Shiyi spoke up on my behalf to keep me by her side.

…

ʼWait. So, Shifu learnt what Shiyi and I were thinking while I was occupied with daydreaming about pork shoulders and wrote back?ʼ

I quickly opened the envelope. It was unmistakably his handwriting. His handwriting resembled the text on plaques at brothels. Actually, fuck me, there was even the scent found in brothels. I had no idea where he penned it from, but I held it outstretched as far as I could to read. The last thing I wanted was to contract some disease.

I thought Shifu would give me a scolding; however, he penned a classic Ming Huayu letter… Utter. Garbage…

The first thing Shifu asked me if I was married yet or not, when Iʼd pay Grandmaster a visit, not to touch Young Shiyiʼs buttocks despite her being gorgeous and whatever…

”What sort of concerns are these?! How could I possibly…” as I thought that, my eyes sneaked over to Young Shiyiʼs perky, yet supple, buttocks and then up to her round globes. My heart suddenly thumped.

Shiyi looked up. I think she read my mind, but she didnʼt avert her gaze. Instead, she straightened up to flaunt her body in all its glory. Her mischievous facial expression asked, ”Do I look good?”

I instinctively nodded, and then realised it was the wrong thing to do, so I shook my head, causing Shiyi to giggle giddily.

I stuttered, ”Wh-What are you laughing at?”

Chin resting on her white cheek, she smiled naively: ”I like to laugh. Donʼt I look good when I laugh?”

My mind: ”V-Very…”

”Also, I already read your shifuʼs letter.”

ʼI knew it! You were teasing me, werenʼt you! You made my face all red… Tease me again, and Iʼll give you a spanking!! Wait… Why does it seem as though Shifu was right…?ʼ

I dryly coughed, and then returned to reading the letter. I still didnʼt see a single thing pertaining to Young Shiyi staying in Nanjing. Instead, Shifu mentioned another important issue that surprised me: ”Huh? He wants us to dedicate all our efforts into helping a dragon in Nanjing become the Crown Prince? Whatʼs he on about?”

To end the letter, Shifu told me to have Second Brother, Young Shiyi and I discuss which of the Emperorʼs sons to assist in the contention for the throne. He sternly warned not to waste opportunities, mentioning Mount Daluoʼs principle in the martial world.

Young Shiyi gazed at the ceiling and said, ”Read it to the end.”

I flipped the letter around and noticed a small attached note on a separate sheet of paper. In the tone of a teacher, he wrote a secretive letter that went as follows:

”Twerp, youʼre all the shit now after a few years, huh? Your Young Shiyi is my Shiyi. Are you eager to be my martial uncle? As punishment, Iʼll cane you ten thousand times when you come back. That said, you are old now. I am now sixty lots of years old now. You would be a failure of a disciple if you didnʼt given me a martial grandchild. Moreover, if she doesnʼt get married already, sheʼs going to be too old to marry. My shifu and your shiniangs are going to call me a failure again if you donʼt get your act together.

You know, I found several candidates for your Young Shiyi over these years, including Beijiangʼs Prince, the Seven Champion White Princesʼ successor, Nanjiangʼs tribeʼs young master, but they all looked ugly as demented animals. They also had sons, but they were rich enough to still be wealthy after spending lavishly for ten lifetimes. Unfortunately, she didnʼt like any of them. She insists on choosing you.

I asked myself, ʼCould my disciple possibly be worse than them even if he was more useless than he already is?ʼ

Iʼve always been horrible with unnecessary and excessively elaborate formalities and pleasantries. If the deal is sealed, I wonʼt waste time on more meaningless comparisons. You want to score your Young Shiyi? Fine. Nice going. God didnʼt give you an extra toy in your pants to play with it on your own. Still, we need to set things clear between all of us due to our relationship.

Your grandmaster treats your Young Shiyi as the most precious treasure in the world; sheʼs no different to a daughter to him. You remember the incident with Jade Raksha? That devil was considered the evilest devil across the Three Parallel Rivers. Jade Raksha only touched your Young Shiyiʼs hair that time, and your grandmaster led every martial sibling, including me, to his place. Remember how we exterminated his entire clan within the eight hours after he touched her. The pugilistic world still mistakes that we did it to punish evil.

Iʼm not afraid of helping you. Iʼll help you hide it from your grandmaster for a year. Do your best this year to produce some results, hehehe. Seal the deal, bring back two little chubby boys, and Iʼll be elated, %*@#!”

Then it just became a mess. Further down, somebody else piggy backed off where Shifu left off.

”Feizhen, Iʼm your senior shiniang. Your second and third shiniang are around, as well. Are you doing well?”

My reaction in my mind: ”Shiniang?! What happened during the mess?! Oh, my shiniangs mustʼve caught Shifu at a brothel! He mustʼve been trying to write with swollen eyes!! I told you not to go there! The hell was that bullshit about sealing the deal?! You copped a beating because you didnʼt watch your mouth, I bet!”

Shiniang added: ”We all know about you and Suwenʼs matter. We will help you hide it from your grandmaster.”

I didnʼt know what to say. I was quite touched…

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