Immortal Paladin

[POV: Ding Cai]

I can help with this scene, but I can’t help write newly generated explicit sexual content or sexually explicit dialogue. I’ll keep the innuendo and harassment non-graphic while preserving the intended comedic and rough-around-the-edges tone.

A draft in your requested style:

By the roadside, a beautiful blue-haired woman leisurely smoked from a long pipe, paying little attention to the people who walked past her. Her appearance was rather eye-catching. The robes hung loosely, exposing the smooth line of her neck and the thick bandages wrapped tightly across her chest, preserving what little dignity she had left.

Somehow, despite looking one step away from becoming a beggar, she still carried herself with enough grace that she looked almost respectable.

Ding Cai genuinely did not understand her own situation.

Ever since she had stepped into the Immortal realm, her body had continued to develop in ways she never asked for. She had spent years trying to figure out the connection, but no matter how much she thought about it, the answer escaped her. What did becoming immortal have to do with any of this? Did the heavens think a larger chest somehow reflected a larger personality? If that was the case, then whoever designed cultivation was a complete idiot.

The mortals gave her wide berths as they passed.

”Don’t go near her,” an old man whispered to his grandson. ”She’s one of those wandering scammers.”

”I heard she sells fake manuals,” another traveler muttered. ”You pay ten spirit stones and end up learning how to stretch your back.”

A mother quickly pulled her daughter closer. ”Eyes forward. Don’t make eye contact.”

Ding Cai had long since grown accustomed to the pointing fingers and suspicious glances. They still managed to irritate her. A familiar headache stabbed through her temples, forcing her to pinch the bridge of her nose. With a practiced motion, she cast a simple Cleanse spell over herself, and the pain dulled slightly.

Ever since she had sealed away her unique ability to continuously achieve enlightenment, the headaches had become a daily occurrence. The alternative had been infinitely worse. Constantly deducing destiny from the smallest details had nearly driven her insane. One glance at a leaf, and her mind would unravel years of cause and effect. One conversation overheard at a marketplace, and she would instinctively trace the countless threads of fate connecting everyone involved.

She missed home.

If only she could find her way back, her senior sister would certainly know what to do. Gu Jie had always been the one who dealt with destiny and heavenly secrets. That was practically her entire personality. Ding Cai was far better at accidentally understanding everything than she was at explaining any of it.

A group of low-level cultivators passed by, chatting amongst themselves.

”I’m telling you, my cousin saw one himself. A ghost wandering the mountain roads.”

”It wasn’t a ghost. They say the dead have started walking again.”

”Forget that. Did you see the sky a few months ago? That enormous silhouette? My sect elder nearly wet himself.”

”They called it the Great Beast, didn’t they?”

Ding Cai slowly released a cloud of smoke.

She remembered.

The moment that monstrous shadow had appeared, the seal on her Enlightenment had shattered for a brief instant. Her mind had been flooded with impossible deductions. She had not seen the future like her master or Gu Jie could. Her gift was different. She understood things. The laws of the universe laid themselves bare before her until she had reached one horrifying conclusion.

Everything was going to end.

Naturally, she had done what any reasonable person would do.

She sold her tiny martial school, emptied her savings, spent days gambling in casinos, drank until she could barely stand, and generally lived as though tomorrow did not exist.

Then the apocalypse simply... stopped.

Looking back on it now, the whole thing felt painfully embarrassing.

What would Aunt Peng Ru think if she ever found out?

Ding Cai sighed into her pipe.

She just wanted to go home.

A group of rough-looking cultivators eventually stopped before her mat. Their robes were gaudy, their weapons were polished far more than they had ever been used, and their smug expressions made them instantly unbearable.

“Well, well. Ain’t you a sight? Beautiful blue hair, those lips wrapped around that pipe… damn, girl, you look real good sucking on that thing. Bet you’re even better at sucking other stuff, eh?”

His companions laughed crudely.

Ding Cai took a deep inhale from her pipe, held it for a moment, and exhaled a perfect, elegant ring of smoke. It was a small performance that would have made her master proud.

Then she smiled sweetly and unleashed filth.

“Oh, look at you lot,” she said, her voice dripping with venom and elegance. “A bunch of pretentious peacocks strutting around with your limp dicks and smaller brains. If you’re going to stand there drooling like brain-dead dogs, at least have the decency to not embarrass yourselves in public. What kind of pathetic trash has nothing better to do than harass a woman trying to make an honest living? Go find a mirror and jerk off to your own disappointment, you sorry excuses for cultivators.”

The ruffians’ faces twisted in anger. “You bitch—!”

Ding Cai wasn’t impressed as she continued.

”You lot really crawled out of whatever ditch you call a sect just to embarrass yourselves?” she said flatly. ”Go home and oil those decorative swords of yours, then line up by a pond so you can spend the afternoon falling in love with your own reflections. Standing around puffing out your chests and pestering strangers is about the only cultivation you’ve ever managed, and judging by your faces, even the heavens gave up halfway through carving you.”

The smiles vanished.

”You’ve got quite the mouth.”

”And you’ve got quite the lack of self-awareness,” Ding Cai shot back. ”Looking at you, I’d say heaven ran out of talent halfway through making your entire sect.”

One of the younger cultivators quickly grabbed the leader’s sleeve.

”Senior Brother... maybe we shouldn’t. I think that’s the crazy manual seller people talk about.”

”The one who beat up those wandering bandits?”

”The very same.”

Ding Cai lazily pointed her pipe at them.

”If you’re only here to make noise, then stop wasting my time and get lost.”

The leader frowned.

”If not that, then what business are you even doing?”

Without a word, Ding Cai gestured toward the dozens of neatly arranged booklets spread across the worn mat before her. Every single one bore an absurdly grand title.

Heaven Splitting Sword Scripture.

Nine Revolutions of the Celestial Fist.

Void Crossing Shadow Steps.

Ultimate Manual of Ten Thousand Transformations.

Ding Cai immediately sat up straighter, her eyes sparkling.

”You’re looking at the greatest collection of martial arts ever assembled,” she declared proudly. ”Every one of these manuals contains profound insights into cultivation and combat personally deduced by yours truly. Sword arts, movement techniques, body refinement, fist styles, secret breathing methods—you name it, I’ve got it.”

She picked up one of the thinner booklets and waved it dramatically.

”This little beauty can save a cultivator decades of trial and error. Buy three manuals, and I’ll even throw in a complimentary lecture on proper cultivation philosophy.”

The ruffians stared at her.

Ding Cai stared back with absolute confidence.

”...They’re all real,” she added.

Not a single person looked convinced.

Ding Cai had become surprisingly good at surviving.

Ever since she had fallen into the Mortal Plane or Greater Human Realm, she had spent nearly every waking day finding new ways to make money. The place was not kind to the poor, and it was even less kind to injured cultivators. When she had first resurrected here, she had barely retained the strength of a Seventh Realm cultivator. Considering the state of her damaged soul and body, she suspected it had actually been lower.

Recovering her cultivation had taken years.

Recovering her savings had somehow taken longer.

One of the methods she had settled on was selling martial manuals. After observing the techniques and cultivation systems of this realm, she had painstakingly deduced their principles and recreated them into complete arts. Most were cleaner, more efficient, and considerably stronger than the originals.

Unfortunately, nobody believed her.

The leader of the ruffians snorted loudly.

”Hah! I knew it. You’re one of those roadside scammers.”

One of his companions scratched his chin and looked almost sympathetic.

”Tough life, huh? Pretty girl like you sitting out here selling fake books. Why don’t you stop all this and find yourself a rich patron to ta—”

Ding Cai’s smoking pipe suddenly gleamed.

The polished wood stretched and lengthened, cold steel replacing lacquered grain. In the blink of an eye, the pipe had become a slender sword resting quietly within an ornate sheath. Her hand moved and a silver flash danced through the air.

Sheathing.

Drawing.

Returning.

The entire exchange lasted less than a heartbeat.

The ruffian blinked.

”...What?”

A gentle breeze swept across the road. His outer robe slipped from his shoulders. Then his belt unraveled. A moment later, every article of clothing he wore neatly separated into dozens of perfectly cut pieces and drifted to the ground.

The man stood frozen, completely naked. Silence swallowed the street, as slowly... the other ruffians exploded into fury.

”You bitch!”

”How dare you humiliate Senior Brother!”

”You think you’re—”

Another silver flash. Ding Cai had not even changed her posture. The sword was already back inside its sheath. One by one, the furious expressions on the other ruffians slowly changed.

”...Why does it feel breezy?”

A sleeve fluttered away. Then another. Belts snapped apart. Robes unraveled. Within seconds, the entire group found themselves standing in the middle of the crowded street with absolutely nothing left to preserve their dignity.

The marketplace erupted.

An old woman covered her grandson’s eyes.

”Heavens above!”

A merchant burst into uncontrollable laughter.

”I’ve never seen swordsmanship like that!”

Several children pointed shamelessly.

”They’re naked!”

The unfortunate cultivators looked down, realized the full extent of their predicament, and collectively screamed.

”RUN!”

The group fled down the road with their hands desperately covering themselves while the crowd laughed and jeered behind them. Ding Cai calmly transformed her sword back into a smoking pipe and took another leisurely puff.

Martial arts had never enjoyed much respect within the Greater Human Realm.

Why spend decades honing the body when pills, elixirs, and spiritual medicines could force breakthroughs? Why master the sword when mystical treasures and spells existed? The majority of cultivators considered martial arts crude and outdated.

The truly powerful, however, understood their value.

Ancient sects and hidden families guarded genuine martial inheritances with obsessive secrecy. Their influence stretched across countless kingdoms, and they did not appreciate outsiders meddling in their domain. That was precisely why Ding Cai had hidden herself away in a remote province and quietly founded her own martial school.

Of course, that school no longer existed.

The false apocalypse had seen to that.

After deducing the end of all existence, she had sold everything she owned and spent the proceeds enjoying what she believed were her final days alive. In retrospect, liquidating her own business might not have been her brightest decision.

Now, she needed money again, preferably enough money to rebuild the school.

Unfortunately, every casino within several hundred miles had permanently banned her. Ding Cai glanced around the street and unconsciously began calculating. One hundred and twelve pedestrians. Twenty-seven potential cultivators. Eight merchants.

One fresh incident involving public humiliation?

A seventy-three percent chance everyone here would avoid her stall for the rest of the day.

She sighed.

”What a terrible location.”

The sheathed sword shrank into a simple silver ring that slipped neatly onto her finger. She packed the manuals into her pocket dimension one by one before standing and dusting off her robes. Maybe, she should visit a tavern.

Or perhaps take on a bounty or two.

She had only taken a few steps before noticing an unusual crowd gathered around the town’s public news board.

People were practically climbing over one another.

”What happened?”

”Move!”

”Let me see!”

”I heard the reward doubled!”

”Huh? More like tripled.”

Ding Cai frowned and squeezed into the mass of bodies. After a considerable amount of shoving, apologizing, and one accidental elbow to somebody’s stomach, she finally reached the front. Her eyes landed on the enormous wanted poster and she froze.

”...Master?”

The portrait was unmistakable.

Although the wanted notice had been circulating for some time, the reward beneath it had changed massively.

Wanted: Da Wei

Rewards Offered:

• Two Hundred Billion Spirit Stones.

• One personal favor from the Supreme Heart.

• A supreme treasure personally forged by the greatest craftsmen of the Greater Asura Realm.

• Sovereign rights to claim and govern one territory of the recipient’s choosing from within the Five Greater Realms.

Even Ding Cai felt her heart skip a beat. That reward was absurd. No wonder cultivators had gathered here in droves. A young newspaper boy ran through the crowd, waving stacks of freshly printed papers above his head.

”Extra! Extra!”

”The Underworld has fallen!”

”Holy Emperor Da Wei declared the destroyer of death itself!”

”Public Enemy Number One! Read the latest reports!”

The papers vanished from his hands almost as quickly as he shouted.

Ding Cai quietly handed over a few coins and accepted one.

She looked down.

The headline occupied nearly the entire front page.

[HOLY EMPEROR DA WEI OF THE HOLLOWED WORLD DECLARED PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 1 — ENTIRE CULTIVATION SOCIETY UNITES AFTER THE FALL OF THE UNDERWORLD.]

Ding Cai stared at the words for a long moment, and then she pinched the bridge of her nose.

”...Master,” she muttered under her breath, ”what in the heavens did you do this time?”