Immortal Paladin

[POV: Gu Jie]

I had always known the cultivation world was merciless, but nothing prepared me for the day my own body decided to betray me in the most embarrassing way possible.

I woke up from meditation feeling… thicker. Heavier. Like someone had pumped my entire existence full of steroids and questionable alchemical lube. My chest felt broader, my arms heavier, and between my legs… something was very different.

I sat cross-legged on the silk sheets, blinked twice, then slowly reached down.

“…Holy shit.”

My hand met something that definitely wasn’t there yesterday. Monstrous. Heavy. Proudly standing at attention like it had just achieved Will Reinforcement all on its own.

I scrambled for the hand mirror in my storage ring, nearly dropping it twice.

The face staring back was mine… but manlier. Sharp jaw, faint stubble, those signature red eyes with the compass sigil now looking like they belonged to a rogue cultivator who spent more time conquering beds than mountains.

I tugged my pants open just a little further and stared.

“Oh my fucking heavens… Jue Bu, you absolute madman. What the hell did you put in that pill? Dragon kidney? Phoenix essence? Pure concentrated big-dick energy?”

Before I could even begin mourning my lost femininity, the door slid open with a dramatic flourish.

“Gu Jie~ What’s taking you so long? Your birthday present is getting cold~”

Alice sauntered in, pink hair bouncing, dog ears perked, and hips swaying like she was trying to hypnotize me. Her outfit was basically two straps and a prayer. The tail behind her swished playfully, occasionally brushing against her barely-covered ass.

“Mother…?” My voice cracked like a teenager hitting puberty in reverse.

She winked. “Happy birthday, baby. Like what you see? I dressed up extra special for my big, strong son today.”

I was still processing the words “big, strong son” when another figure stepped in right behind her.

Frilly green dress. Cleavage that could start a war. A crown perched on perfectly styled hair. Long legs, smooth thighs, and a smile that screamed trouble.

“F-Father…?” I squeaked.

Da Wei—no, Mother Da Wei now—struck a pose, one leg popping out of the high slit like a runway model.

“You can call me Mommy if you want,” she purred, voice smooth and dripping with mischief. “I don’t mind. In fact… I insist.”

My brain blue-screened, a word I learned from father at some point.

“I have… two mothers now?”

Before I could run, a soft rustle came from the bed beside me.

“Elder brother Jie… you’re being so loud in the morning…”

Hei Mao sat up, blanket slipping dangerously low on her chest. Cat ears twitched. Her scarf was still there, but now it looked less like emotional support and more like an invitation to tug on it. Her tail curled around my thigh, squeezing gently.

“Hei Mao… weren’t you—?”

“You know,” Jue Bu’s voice cut in, silky and amused, “gender is just a suggestion. A very flexible one.”

I turned.

Jue Bu leaned against the doorframe, looking like Father had been gender-bent into a seductive scholar who moonlighted as a succubus. The way she tilted her head and bit her lip should’ve been illegal in at least seventeen worlds.

And then the air grew thick with smoke and perfume.

Ru Qiu materialized like a wet dream in a tight cheongsam, the slits so high I could see the promised land with every step. She leaned down until her lips brushed my ear.

“Why the shocked face, little Jie?” she whispered, hot breath sending shivers straight down my spine. “Do you prefer me more… manly? I can switch back if you want. Or we can try both at once~”

She trailed a finger down my newly muscled chest.

“Still too young though,” she added with a teasing sigh. “Maybe in another hundred thousand years. Mommy can wait… barely.”

My new monstrous equipment twitched in betrayal.

Before I could scream, I was suddenly scooped up by four very strong, very real arms.

Ren Zhe—now in full tyrant mommy mode—held me against her powerful body like I weighed nothing. Her expression was strangely soft, almost concerned.

“Are they making you uncomfortable?” she asked gently, while her lower pair of hands suspiciously rested way too close to my ass.

I opened my mouth. Nothing came out except a pathetic wheeze.

The door opened wider.

Lu Gao and Yuen Fu strutted in together, demonic temptress and angelic seductress in perfect sync. Lu Gao squeezed her ridiculously bouncy chest and grinned.

“So, you like ‘em big too, right? Don’t worry, I brought the premium package.”

“Mine are bigger,” Yuen Fu countered immediately, striking a pose that made her hips look criminal.

Lu Gao rolled her eyes. “Not everything is a competition, Yuen Fu.”

“It is when it comes to making Jie drool.”

I was going to pass out.

“I understand Ren Zhe turning into a four-armed amazon,” I croaked, “but you two… weren’t you also—”

They both gave me the same hungry, knowing smile.

The temperature in the room skyrocketed. Too many eyes. Too many curves. Too much everything.

Then, without warning, I was yanked out of Ren Zhe’s arms and thrown over a shoulder like a sack of particularly horny potatoes.

“Did you miss me, big sis?”

Blond hair. Perfect face. Smug grin that could melt panties (or in my current case, whatever the male equivalent was).

“Ren Jingyi…?”

Beside him, Ding Cai adjusted his glasses, blue hair neat as ever, looking far too calm for this level of chaos.

“Don’t worry, big sis,” Ding Cai said lightly. “We’ve got you. We’ll protect your chastity… or corrupt it. Whichever you prefer.”

We bolted through the halls, the sound of disappointed “awww”s and swaying hips fading behind us.

Only when we ducked into a quiet alley did Ren Jingyi set me down. He leaned in way too close, voice low and magnetic.

“You’ve gotten quite popular today. Should I be jealous… or do I get a turn too?”

Ding Cai stepped in from the other side, trapping me between them.

“Careful,” he murmured, pushing his glasses up with one finger. “If you keep looking at us like that, big sis… we might misunderstand your intentions.”

My face burned hotter than a tribulation lightning bolt.

“I’m not—! I didn’t—! This is—!”

Everything shattered.

I jolted upright in my actual bed, sweat-drenched, heart hammering, and my body very much back to normal. No monstrous equipment. No four-armed tyrants. No dog-eared milfs calling me “big strong son.”

Just silence.

I stared at the ceiling for a long moment.

“…a dream.”

The words tasted like defeat.

The lingering heat in my body, the phantom sensation of tails, four hands, and way too many “Mommy”s refused to fade.

I flopped back down and groaned.

“Ah, fuck! I was just getting to the good part!”

…

..

.

“Puberty must be tough on little Gu Jie, huh?” said Alfir2 suspiciously from behind his monitor screen. “NOT CANON! APRIL FOOLS!”