Immortal Paladin

I sat cross-legged in the private chamber Lu Gao had been assigned. The walls were lacquered with restrained elegance, the air thick with incense… floral, maybe aphrodisiacal. Hard to tell anymore. My sense of smell had been dulled by the constant barrage of stimulation in this continent.

I closed my eyes and cycled the Mana Road again, trying and hoping for even a flicker of insight. No matter how I refined the flow, no matter how cleanly I traced the meridians, the boundary of the Third Realm held fast. It was like pressing against glass: invisible, cold, immovable.

Lu Gao had already stepped into the Fourth. Gu Jie was thriving on that Legacy synergy of hers. And Jingyi? That damn girl was sprinting ahead with the shabbiest technique I’d ever seen… just raw genius, leaving me in the dust.

And me? Da Wei? Still stuck.

“Voice Chat,” I murmured in my mind. “Jue Bu, you there?”

A beat passed. Then…

“MOTHERFUCKING SHIT-EATING OUTSIDER SCUM... OF COURSE I’M HERE! You locked me in this freak-ass abyss! And don’t think I didn’t notice how suspicious it was when you gently invited me into your damn soul like some benevolent cultivator. Who just lets a cursed skull in without strings attached?!”

“Oh, good morning to you too,” I said flatly. “Sleep well?”

“No, I didn’t sleep! I existed. In your twisted mindscape, right next to that blob you’ve got loitering in there like it pays rent. WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT THING?!”

“…You mean Eldritch-chan?”

“You NAMED it?! You absolute lunatic! How the hell did something like that end up inside you?”

“It’s a long story,” I muttered. “And I’m not in the mood. Want a bedtime tale too? Should I light incense and fetch popcorn?”

“Let me out!”

“Nah.”

“FUCK YOUR MOTHER!”

“Charming. Do you kiss your master with that mouth?”

“FUCK YOU, FUCKER!”

I couldn’t help the smile tugging at my lips. His rage was weirdly… grounding.

“You know,” I said, “I might consider setting you free… if you tell me about that contract I inherited.”

“…The one from the boy. Lu Gao?”

“Bingo.”

“You brain-dead half-wit. At the time, I thought you were just a brute with more power than sense. I never imagined you were actually that reckless. Who the hell agrees to a soulbinding pact without even discussing the terms?!”

“The kind who doesn’t want to waste time,” I said, leaning back, lacing my fingers behind my head. “Moreover, I prefer you not weaseling out. See, I didn’t want to lose the chance. Didn’t want to ’accidentally’ kill you either. Besides, it’s fun watching you squirm.”

“You’re deranged.”

“I prefer ‘efficient.’ Look, if I’d asked about the terms and didn’t like them, I might’ve backed out. Might’ve tried to loophole it. But that would’ve pushed you to retaliate, maybe even try something desperate. Could’ve ended with your soul shattered, mine damaged, Gao in trouble... too much risk. So I thought, why not just play along, and maybe there is a use to this skull I haven’t found yet?”

“You gambled with a soul contract!”

“Yep. Like a big boss shouldering his cousin’s debt and turning the scammer into an employee.”

“…What in all the heavens are you even talking about?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just answer me: what’s the catch? In your case, the catch had been... You know, getting to play as my outsourced power to defend me from the eldritch entity in my head.”

“You know everything about this is stupid, right?”

“I know,” I said. “It’s my kind of stupid. The deliberate kind. If it works, it works. I might not be able to see the future or juggle a dozen contingency plans like some Divine Strategist, but I know what I want. And right now, I’ve got a use for you. If you can shield my disciple from a demon like that, maybe you can do something about Eldritch-chan too.”

“FUCK YOU!”

How eloquent. As expected of a cursed skull with the soul of a pervert.

“I also know better than to haggle with Soul Contracts. That’s old knowledge: arcane, layered, and dangerous. One wrong twist and you lose a hand. Or a soul. Or both. Besides, you already pulled a fast one on my disciple. I’d be stupid to think you wouldn’t try the same with me. Desperation makes people pliable. No way a relic like you doesn’t know how to exploit that. That’s why I played my card close to heart and manipulated what’s workable!”

“…Tch. I guess you’re not a complete idiot.”

“High praise,” I said flatly. “Truly honored, coming from the skull currently taking up residence in my brain.”

“You should’ve asked, though,” he grumbled. “Even a token effort. But fine. You’ve already bound yourself, and frankly, I don’t want that blob-roommate of yours nibbling on my soul-fragments out of boredom. So I’ll tell you.”

“I’m all ears.”

“The contract wasn’t just about shielding your disciple from the demon. That was just the trigger. There’s… a side effect.”

“…Define ‘side effect.’”

“Oh, you’ll love this,” he said with that shit-eating grin I could somehow hear. “You haven’t noticed anything weird yet?”

My stomach turned. “…Tell me it’s not what I think it is.”

“Oh, it’s exactly what you think it is. Ever wondered what it’s like to walk in the shoes of womanhood? Want me to give you a tour?”

“Cut the crap.” My voice dropped, flat and cold. “What’s the cost? The real one. You defend Lu Gao, and then what? You get to possess his body?”

“Close. I get access to it. The curse is a conditional possession technique. Not full-on parasitism, not the usual soul-jacking. If certain conditions are met, I get to use the body for a while. Temporary control.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Conditions like what?”

“Gender switch.”

I stared at nothing for a few long seconds.

“You’re not lying,” I muttered. “Not that you need to. It’s too damn bizarre to be fake.”

He chuckled, low and smug. “Every time you switch gender, I get control. For a little while. With Lu Gao, I barely got anything… he’s too weak. I couldn’t draw enough strength to overpower the demon. But with you… Oh, the potential. If you didn’t have that eldritch thing... and whatever the glowing stuff is, I swear I would have succeeded!”

“…Why does it have to be a woman?”

“Why not a woman?” he asked with unsettling cheer. “Soul transformation, body reshaping, identity realignment… this isn’t science that most academics and scholars love to obsess with. It’s cultivation. It rewrites the vessel to suit the condition. I am the condition.”

Of course, science existed in this world… They got superhuman thinkers after all. But I still don’t understand shit.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a long, ragged sigh. “Oh my god.”

“Technically, goddess,” he said brightly. “At least during the shift.”

“Shut. Up.”

I should note: this skull had an impressively deep vocabulary for a lunatic with a fixation on curse-induced genderbending possession.

“No, seriously,” Jue Bu insisted. “You’re gonna be a real knockout. Tall, lithe, terrifying... that’s how my power likes to manifest. Like a sexy grim reaper. Hope you don’t mind looking better than most fairy queens.”

“I’m going to kill someone.”

And then it hit me.

I knew exactly who I wanted to kill.

“…Nongmin.”

The shriek that followed wasn’t from Jue Bu. No, that was the sound of my own soul cracking under the weight of a dawning, existential horror. This was probably the second time that smug bastard Emperor had pulled a fast one on me.

First time? The sudden Imperial Phoenix Guard. Surprise noble titles. The works.

And now this?

That damn imperial gremlin definitely knew what was going to happen. Sure, he warned me. Vaguely. The kind of warning that lets him sleep at night but still laugh himself sick behind closed doors. Lu Gao got saddled with this mess first and still managed to act like nothing was wrong. Of course he did. Because Jue Bu had been too busy playing demon-nanny to activate the gender-swap clause.

But me? Meh... I think I would be fine.

“I guess I can only rely on them,” I said aloud. “I’m pretty sure you’re screwed, regardless of the effects of the curse. I have high resistance to curses in the first place. I can just cast a Judgment Severance if it does take effect... Jue Bu, I think you underestimated me too much. I’m confident you’re screwed, really screwed. That was kind of the entire reason I let you in the first place. I figured: if I inherited Lu Gao’s debt, I might as well weaponize the payment plan.”

“Sorry… what?”

“You’re not getting my body,” I said, grinning now, teeth bared like a wolf that just found out the hunter has asthma. “Just want to tell it straight to you, before I cordon you in some corner of my brain. You think you are getting to play your cards. But to take control, you’d have to wrestle a multi-dimensional horror and a rogue AI. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here. Sipping tea. Watching them reduce your soul to metaphysical sawdust. Work hard on not dying, I guess...”

“What even is AI? You mean that glowing thing? Hmmm… There’s more in here?”

Anyway. Win-win for me.

New antivirus system. Bonus perks, maybe. It was an unexpected catharsis. The only downside? Nongmin getting me again. I could already imagine his smug little face. Probably laughed for an hour after I left.

“I invited you in, Skull-boy,” I said, savoring every word. “Knew there was something shady, but I let it happen anyway. You see, I have strong beliefs…”

“In your power?”

“No. In your suffering.”

“You’re a psycho.”

“Yup.” I folded my arms. Felt… calm, actually. “Welcome to my brain trust. Population: three unhinged nightmares and me. Good luck figuring out who gets to drive when the boobs show up.”

“You’re taking this way too well. This should be a crisis.”

I laughed. A real, honest-to-Daoist laugh.

“Jue Bu,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye, “I’ve been beheaded, got a PC exploded in my face, gaslit by an ancient empire, and painted a dying mother into memory with my own hands. If the universe wants to throw gender-bending into the mix? That’s tame. My life’s already a madlib written by drunk cultivators.”

“You’re insane!”

“You’re the one who agreed on the contract, you are not weaseling your way out of this.”

“Technically, we can still discuss…”

“Nope. Lu Gao had made an agreement with you already. I just inherited the liabilities of whatever unfair advantages you forced on him at his time of need. If you’d been kinder, I might take it easy on you, but I’ve got to look after my disciple. If you want to blame anyone, that’s on Nongmin. Who, by the way, definitely knew. Sent me packing with a straight face. Probably chuckled all through tea hour.”

I imagined Nongmin in the throne room, pouring himself wine and whispering, “Heh. She’s gonna lose it.”

The image made me want to scream and laugh at the same time.

It was almost beautiful. Almost admirable.

If Xin Yune’s death marked a turning point for him… then this? This level of emotional investment in screwing with me? It meant he was growing. Processing. Becoming a real person. Something Xin Yune would’ve been proud of.

I sighed.

“You know what? Let him have it.”

“What?” Jue Bu blinked. “Let who have what?”

“Nongmin,” I said, closing my eyes. “If pulling stupid pranks on me helps him process grief and become a more well-rounded person, then fine. I’ll tank the consequences.”

“Even if it means… wait, who’s even Nongmin? Some farmer? You got beef with a peasant?”

“Farmer?” I groaned. “Hah. I wish.”

I inhaled slowly, mentally bracing myself.

“Even if it means being a woman for a bit. Just tell me what the trigger conditions are so I don’t wake up mid-transformation with tits.”

“…It’s a little vague.”

“Of course it is.”

“It’s more of an emotional resonance thing. Like, your soul hits a certain frequency… strong conviction, big epiphany, using the deeper functions of my power. Depends on the person. For Lu Gao, it was cold water.”

“Cold water. Right. So it’s random and stupid. Let me guess… chances are, the moment I get all noble and heroic, I turn into Magical Girl Da Wei.”

“More like Eldritch Valkyrie.”

I rubbed my temples.

“Great. Love that for me. Just know this, Skull... if you try anything funny while I’m in that state… Dave and Eldritch-chan have full permission to redecorate your spiritual essence with lava and screaming. I swear, if you don’t behave, I will find a body for you just to be castrated in, do you understand?”

“…Noted.”

“Good.”

Fifteen minutes later…

I was still hearing Jue Bu mutter in the background about soul dynamics and “inevitable womanhood,” but I tuned him out like a parent ignoring a toddler mid-tantrum. He was now just a faulty app running in the background of my brain.

Enough. There was work to do.

So much work.

I stepped out of my chamber.

Bai Zheme was there, standing sentinel as always, silent and unmoving. He was dressed like a scholar and armed like an executioner.

A few paces behind him were a few familiar faces. Hei Yuan and Jin Wen were returning from their outing, Lu Gao trailing close behind. Hei Yuan looked dusty. Jin Wen wore his usual unreadable face. Lu Gao... looked sentimental.

I gave them a nod. “You’re back. Anything to report?”

“Master Wei,” Jin Wen said, handing over a Storage Ring. “These are the books you requested.”

I accepted it with a nod, not bothering with ceremony. I tapped into my Item Box and offloaded the contents in a pulse of will. Hundreds of books spiraled into the void: regional maps, folklore scrolls, and obscure myths of desert tribes.

Knowledge, stacked like firewood.

Hei Yuan cleared his throat. “I have news. We brushed through the city’s underworld, shook some rats, and poked some dens. Nothing special… until Lu Gao gave me a proper clue.”

He gestured to Lu Gao, who nodded with arms crossed. ”Glad to be of help,” he said. ”Master, we should go now!”

“Sandthorn Village,” Hei Yuan continued. “Small, out of the way. Officially abandoned for years, but a small settlement had been built over them anyway. There’ve been whispers… a foreign trio staying there. Two women: one with rosy pink hair, the other a blonde.”

My pulse quickened.

Alice, Joan, and… of course. This lined up. Lu Gao was the third.

“Good work,” I said.

Before we could go further, bootfalls echoed from the side road. Captain Xue Xin arrived at a brisk pace, saluting sharply. “The Soaring Dragon boats and the Formation Gourd transports are ready to launch, my lord. A few of the boats had joined our single ship since we set off from the border. They have the Queen’s permission, and it seems cooperation between the Empire and the Promised Dunes have taken effect for some time now.”

“Good,” I said, noting her suddenly serious countenance. “What’s the problem?”

Because, of course, there was a problem. She wouldn’t have come sprinting otherwise.

Xue Xin didn’t hesitate. “The guide provided by Her Radiance, the Queen… has been assassinated.”

I blinked. “That wasn’t in Nongmin’s predictions.”

She nodded. “We’re just as surprised.”

“How?” I asked, voice low. “Who?”

Her gaze flicked to Lu Gao, then back to me. “He attempted to force himself on one of the Purple Blossom girls. She resisted. He wouldn’t stop.”

Lu Gao’s aura flared. Killing intent rolled off him like a thunderhead.

“He deserved it,” Lu Gao growled. “I would’ve done it myself.”

My eyes slid to Bai Zheme. I already knew. I had told him to watch the guide.

“What happened to him?” I asked.

Bai Zheme met my gaze without blinking. “I killed him.”

There was neither fanfare nor flourish in his confession. Just a statement of fact, cold and clean as a blade. I didn’t respond immediately. I didn’t have to. General Bai did what I would’ve done.

What any of us should’ve done.

Then the wind shifted. A sudden gust swept sand into the courtyard. Madam Yun burst in: robes askew, hair windblown, and eyes wide with panic. She dropped to her knees before I could react, forehead pressed to the dust-caked tiles.

“My lord!” she cried. “Please forgive this one for allowing such disgrace to manifest in your presence. It was my failure! I accept all punishment!”

She groveled so hard I could practically hear her spine pop.

I let the silence linger. Let the gravity settle.

Then I sighed.

“Madam Yun. Stand.”

She hesitated, then rose to her knees, trembling.

“I do not blame you for the man’s sins,” I said. I didn’t need to spell out the implications. The guide had been personally assigned by the Queen. “My bodyguard, Bai Zheme, dealt with it. Let the matter rest.”

Madam Yun trembled harder, still kneeling.

“Prepare a feast in my honor,” I added, flicking my sleeve. “Jin Wen, compensate her for the trouble caused by our so-called guide.”

“Yes, my lord,” Jin Wen replied. He stepped forward, producing a heavy pouch. The soft clink of coin was unmistakable as he passed it over. “Please accept this as a token of our gratitude for hosting us, and for enduring that fool’s behavior.”

Madam Yun’s eyes widened at the weight. She accepted the pouch with both hands, bowing low.

“Now go,” I said, voice final. “The Purple Blossom household showed kindness in our hour of need. May you continue to care for your people... and may your business flourish for years to come.”

Her lips parted into a smile. She bowed again, this time not from fear, but from relief. Then she all but fled my presence, robes flaring like a bird taking flight.

The feast would force the establishment to close for the day. A gift. A lie, yes, but a beautiful one. Sweet to swallow. Sharp if ignored.

As for us?

“We’re leaving,” I said, turning to the others.

Lu Gao blinked. “Wait. What about the feast?”

I gave him a look. “It was never for us. It’s for the girls. Let them eat. Let them dance. We’ve got work to do.”

He exhaled through his nose. “I understand, Master.”

I turned to Xue Xin. “Draft a letter in my name. Deliver it to Her Radiance. Inform her of the guide’s behavior… how he threw his weight around in front of foreign guests. Tell her we handled it quietly, to preserve her face.”

She bowed. “Yes, my lord.”

I inclined my head toward Bai Zheme. “You did well, General Bai.”

Xue Xin shifted, clearly uneasy. “While it was admirable to see the old general take swift action… I do wish I had been informed sooner. My people were preparing to scour the city for the assassin.”

Bai Zheme answered with a mild bow. “Apologies, Captain Xue. It won’t happen again.”

“No,” I said, cutting in before she could reply. “It won’t. Because next time, I will punish whatever fool dares show indecency and injustice in front of me.”

I turned, robes billowing, already moving.

“Let’s go,” I called back. “I want to be back in the Empire by the third sunrise.”

They followed closely behind.

“Now, let’s look for a certain duo… shall we?”