Blade Over Magic

You Don’t Get To Do That

For a few seconds, no one knew how to react. Even the spectators, Mia and Mary, showed slight reactions. Mia’s gaze turned a bit deep, and Mary’s brows furrowed slightly.

Thinking about it now, no one had ever seen Xander speak about his vulnerabilities so plainly. He was always so confident. So calculative.

Even when he used silence as a form of grieving, when he met the representatives of the different Factions wanting to recruit/suppress them, he immediately took charge and handled the matter efficiently.

He always thought about matters in unique ways, and his talent with the sword was utterly obscene. Yet this trait that caused him to be no different from a hot potato in the kingdom was the very thing he seemed to see as a fundamental moral failure.

Now it suddenly made sense why he was so dense. It wasn’t some gag or joke. He seemed to be unable to grasp the idea that he could be loved in any capacity because he did not think his traits which others say as genius as things to be loved.

That was... heartbreaking.

So looking at Xander seem so distraught, none of them knew how to react. Even the calculative Aubrey. She had never seen this side of him before, so her library had nothing on it, and thus, no solutions.

So the people there were understandably caught off guard when Curtis was the one to respond.

First, he reached out and touched Xander’s neck, the sudden cold making him to flinch away instinctively.

When he looked at Curtis, his hand rubbing the spot that had been touched, he saw Curtis looking at him with an expression he had never seen before.

It was... irritation?

”No.” Curtis stated.

”What?” Xander narrowed his eyes.

”No. You don’t get to do that.” Curtis repeated, almost taunting Xander.

”... Don’t get to do what? I was—”

”Xander,” Curtis held up a hand, cutting him off. Seeing such assertive behavior from him was genuinely jarring. ”What are you? Your species?” Xander looked at Curtis for a few seconds, then he responded slowly.

”I’m a human.” Curtis nodded.

”So does the saying ’To err is to Human’ not apply to you?” Xander clicked his tongue.

”Well, obviously, but—” Curtis shook his head.

”So why are you holding yourself to this impossibly high standard?” Curtis rubbed his face before continuing.

”You just spent the last minute listing out your perceived flaws, and fine, I guess everyone has them. But don’t you see just how extreme that is? That because of a flaw you have, you shouldn’t be loved.” Curtis stared at him. ”If that’s true, if that’s how it actually is supposed to be, the none of us should be here.” Xander’s head jerked back, but Curtis went on.

”What? You think we follow your because you’re cool? Because we’re leeching off your growing influence? Or maybe we are just waiting for the next time you just randomly decide to revolutionize our own magic for us and raise our potential far more than we could have ever imagined. Do you think that’s it?” Xander opened his mouth, then closed it with a click, his jaw tensing.

And still, Curtis went on.

”We were a group of people who, under any other circumstance, shouldn’t have even known each other existed, okay? But for whatever reason, we were all a part of the same squad, the squad with you. And even though you were the only competent one back then. Even though Falael insulted your swordsmanship, or Aubrey stood there like a glorified statue, or I was too terrified to even cast a basic spell, who made the choice to change that? To help us get better and actually become a cohesive unit?” He poked Xander in the chest.

”It was you, Xander. Don’t you think that means something? I... I can’t fully say the same for the others, but you changed my life, man.” Curtis ran a hand through his hair, his ears drooping now.

”Before, I was so scared of socializing because I was part Lycan that I was basically mute. Yet you didn’t get angry at me. You provided the space for me to start speaking on my own. Never judging. You encouraged me when I made progress or failed to do so. You never treated me like a burden. And then just last night, you proceeded to help me resolve the trauma that had been plaguing me my whole, life. It... it’s not even an exaggeration to say I idolize you. Falael calls me a puppy with the way I follow you around, and I never disagree, because it’s not even inaccurate.” He tapped his chest, his expression tight.

”You basically saved me... man. I was starved for acceptance and you gave it to me like it was nothing. And I know you aren’t using any of us because I see the genuine joy whenever we make progress. You were pretty much jumping around in joy when Aubrey made a breakthrough yesterday. At this point, our lives revolve around yours.

Fine, you have flaws. Fine, the thing with the ant was frustrating. But do you know we were never angry at you? Hell, Sparrow and the rest of the Lunatics who could actually understand that fight weren’t mad at you, either. No, the only thing that frustrated us was the fact that you were beating yourself up so much, as well as the fact that none of us were available to step in and assist you!” Tears gathered in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

”Sure, you’re dense. But you aren’t cruel! This whole thing started because you didn’t understand that Falael’s change was because of you, and when Aubrey explained it to you, you understood and actually considered the matter closely, you didn’t just brush it off. Same thing with if you unintentionally say something cruel, we’ll tell you and you will improve. If you aren’t emotionally present, we will make sure you are!” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to regain some semblance of his composure, his arms wiping his eyes.

Then he reopened them and continued, his voice calmer now.

”As for your obsession with swordsmanship. I seriously doubt that any decently strong person in the world doesn’t have at least a few screws loose. And guess what, some of them actually have people around them who love them. And guess what? I, Aubrey, and Falael aren’t just gonna be glued to you 24/7. We gotta improve ourselves too. We gotta be emotionally unavailable too. And if you really, REALLY have to be available at some point, I know that you will put your sword down and make yourself available, why?” He stepped closer, his large frame looming over Xander’s, but it wasn’t threatening.

”Because you aren’t alone anymore. I saw it the first time we met, but you moved with the demeanor of someone who was used to being by themselves. But you aren’t just an illegitimate child whose family ignored him his whole life. You have people here around you now. People who care about you. You said your Mana construct centers around paths and infinite possibilities, right? So why are you limiting your path to one of isolation? I don’t know about anyone else, but I will not let that stand.” He raised his hand and placed it on Xander shoulder.

”You are worthy of love. You deserve love. You can and will be loved. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care if you don’t believe me. I will repeat it every time you need to hear it until you start believing it. This isn’t a group where everyone is only a part of it so that we can benefit off each other. Our connections are real, and our connections with you are real, just like your connection with us are real.” He pointed at Aubrey and Falael.

”Those two love you, and you yourself admitted you love them too. You asked why they love you, why didn’t you ask why they love you, huh? It’s a two way street. I don’t believe you don’t know this. Or what? Do you expect them to just nodded along with your words and pretend like nothing happened? You said you fear being cruel unintentionally, but that is the cruelest thing you could possibly do to them and to yourself.” His hand slipped from Xander’s shoulder, and he folded his arms.

”Every path is valuable. That’s what you told me when you had your epiphany. Did you already forget that? So why are you attempting to cut off the path where they love you, and you love them back? Aren’t you just repeating your actions? Be for real, Xander.” When Curtis finished, the surroundings were deathly silent, and Xander was completely pale.

Curtis stared at him, daring him to refute him. But Xander couldn’t.

Because genuinely, what could he say to any of that?

Without a word, he walked past Curtis, past Falael and Aubrey, and went into the building towards his room.

Falael started to take a step after him, but Aubrey caught her wrist and shook her head vehemently.

Curtis just stared after him and sighed, praying that his words had been enough.

By the time Xander reached his room and closed the door behind him, he had to cover his mouth, his emotions bursting forward.

His throat felt tight, and he almost couldn’t breathe.

This was Xander, someone who could keep his composure under the gazes of countless spectators watching him duel. Someone who could calmly address commanders and Major Generals without flinching. Someone who could fight a literal demon ant, look at a newborn Hell Gate, and nearly have his brain fried by a creature beyond mortal comprehension.

Someone who could jest with an Archmage or a cosmic anomaly like Mia without blinking.

And yet, for the first time in god knows how long across two worlds, Xander slid to the floor of his room.

And broke down crying.