Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms

It all started in the little garden of Green Vine University. Chen Xiaobei carefully took out a brand-new iPhone 6 from his pocket. He held it in his hands, smiling goofily.

”Happy Birthday, Bingbing!” Chen said.

It had always been Yao Bingbing’s dream to own an iPhone 6 but she was now gazing at it in disdain.

”I’m not going to accept this shitty phone, I’m breaking up with you!” Bing said.

Boom!!

Chen felt like thunder had struck him. His mind went blank. He could not believe that the girl standing in front of him was his girlfriend of six months. Chen was a village kid, he grew up in a rural town, and was familiar to a life of hardship. In order to purchase this mobile phone, he had to skip classes, work part time and set aside half of his living expenses for three months. He never expected to be met by this kind of response.

”Why?!” Chen asked, furious.

”Because you are poor!” Bing said. She held up her handbag and said sarcastically, ”This is limited edition LV handbag. I could buy a hundred of you with this. And I can easily get this, and many more goodies -- as much as I’d like -- because my new boyfriend will pay for it! Is that reason good enough?”

”I never would have taken you for this kind of girl!” Chen said angrily.

”Don’t be silly! This is the reality of life,” she continued, her tone condescending, ”Blame this bad incarnation of yours. You were born of poor donkey parents, you have always been destined to have a crappy future. I will never become the daughter-in-law of your poor-ass family.”

”Woman, you can lay it on me, but you have no right to talk about my family like that!” Chen glared so intently at her that he could have fired lasers out of his eyes right through Bing’s body.

”You… What’s with that look? Are you going to beat me up in public?” Bing was frightened. This was her first time seeing Chen’s knife-like stare.

”No, no. I’m not going to beat you up. But someday, I will make you kneel in front of me, as you regret this decision and beg for forgiveness!” Chen growled icily.

”Are you in a trance? From this moment onwards, till the day I die, you are a foreign existence that will have nothing to do with me,” Bing huffed and started to walk towards a BMW that was parked quite a distance from they were.

The car door opened, and a guy pulled her into the car, and grabbed her thigh.

”Shi Mingwei?!”

Chen’s eyes turned into blazing charcoals. He never expected Bing’s new boyfriend to be Shi. That guy was Chen’s classmate, and he was rich. His family owned a jewelry business. He bullied Chen on daily basis and he had just robbed him of his girlfriend. Things had escalated to a whole new level.

”F*ck this! I will have my revenge!” Chen said angrily, clenching a fist.

”You’re just a small-time farmer, you are not qualified to even fight me.” Shi put his hand out of the window and flipped Chen off, his middle finger raised over the car roof. Chen had never felt so humiliated in his life before.

”Shi! You f*cking pig!” Chen was so angry that he almost flung the new phone at him.

Ding!

Right at that moment, the brand-new cellphone’s screen lit up. ”Do iPhones normally turn themselves on? Could it be a replica?” Chen frowned, about to toss the cell phone again, for an entirely different reason.

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

In the next seconds, a continuous stream of messages popped up on the cell phone’s screen. Chen was confused as he scanned through the messages.

Chang’e goddess just sent you a Red Envelope.

Bull Demon King just sent you a Red Envelope.

Xiangyu The King just sent you a Red Envelope.

King of Hell…

The messages flooded his phone. It was as if he had just hit the jackpot.

”Are they a group of maniacs? Their names sound funky,” Chen said to himself.

He quickly opened the chatting application and tried to snatch as many Red Envelopes as possible. There were others in the chat room too, apparently snatching away at them too. Chen checked on his cell phone’s screen with a gloomy look. He did not get any Red Envelopes even as the messages kept going.

”Maybe all these people are a group of guys with strong arms. Wizards who have been single for thirty years. How am I going to compete against them?” The fact that he couldn’t get any Red Envelopes was like a second fatal blow to him. He increased his tapping speed like there was no tomorrow.

Ding!

Congratulation! You got Monkey King’s Red Envelope. You received three monkey furs of prosperity. It has been deposited inside your treasure chest.

”Shit, All I got is some furs?!” There was nothing he could have done.

”How can I receive monkey furs from the Red Envelope? Is this some kind of new technology?” Chen had never used such an advanced cell phone before. So, he decided to give it a try. He found the treasure chest icon and clicked it. Three monkey furs showed up on his screen. There was a sentence under the picture –

[This is the monkey fur of prosperity. It allows you to shapeshift into anything you want. Do you wish to claim it?].

Chen clicked yes and a golden monkey fur appeared on his palm.

”What the f*ck is this?!” Chen screamed.

Even though Chen had never used an advanced cellphone before, he was not so igorant that he would believe that cellphones can actually produce something solid out of thin air. It totally defied his rudimentary knowledge of physics.

”Could it be….that this group of maniacs are actually real gods and goddesses? But then again, Xiangyu The King and Bull Demon King are in the group as well. They were not gods. Chen was very confused. He read the name of the group, ’Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms’. By his general knowledge, he knew only a little about the Three Realms which refers to the realms of heaven, hell, and earth. Other than gods and goddesses, there were different demons and humans inside the group as well.

Historically famous people like Lord Guan, Qin Qiong, Xiangyu The King were in the group. However, Chen was baffled when he saw that Li Bai and Du Fu were in the group as well. When it came to the demon side, there were well-known demons that Chen recognized; Bull Demon King, Skeletal Queen, Spider Demon and many more. Chen was absolutely baffled, and perturbed, when he saw all those well-known demons in the group.

”It’s no wonder I couldn’t get any Red Envelopes. There are tens of thousands of members inside this group. Well, I couldn’t care less. Let me try out this Monkey Fur first.”

Chen calmed himself down, lifted up the Monkey Fur and said, ”I dare you to create an extra hand on my body for me to snatch more Red Envelopes.”

Poof!

Chen blew at the Monkey Fur. A real hand with flesh and blood sprouted out of his body. It could even be moved freely as well, as if knowledge on how to use it was instantly obtained.

”What the f*ck?!”

At least he now knew that this suspiciously named group was real.

Then Chen slapped himself in frustration. ”Damn it! Why did I make such a stupid wish? How am I going to face others with an extra hand on my body? Should I get it amputated now?”

Ding!

Magical effect of Monkey Fur: Three minutes remaining. ”Oh! There’s a time limit! I was scared to death!” Chen sighed in relief.

Theoretically speaking, if the magical effect was perpetual, I could very well wish for a mountain of gold and silver, and solve all my problems.

”Shit! I should get back to snatching more Red Envelopes!”

Chen smacked himself on the forehead and started to use all three hands to tap on the phone’s screen frenzily. All of them were actual deities. Even a small thing like Monkey Fur was precious. There was no way that he was missing this golden opportunity.

”They are way too good at this. There’s no way I can fight against them.”

Three minutes had passed, and Chen still had not gotten anything. His cellphone vibrated for a second before the third hand vanished. Chen jumped up and down gleefully.

”Got it! Double kill!”

Ding!

Congratulatiosn on getting Lord Lao Zi’s Red Envelope. You have received Eight Diagram of Godly Prediction. It has been deposited into your treasure chest.

Ding!

Congratulations on getting Moon Lord’s Red Envelope. You have received three Charms of Marriage. It has been deposited into your treasure chest. Chen was euphoric. After that, the cellphone’s screen that was flooded with constant notifications of Red Envelopes gradually came to a stop. A portrait popped up.

Lord Lao Zi: Uhhumm. Hello, fellow friends. Good evening. Today is a good day to release the Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms. From today onwards, this Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms will be our new home.

(Let’s just skip the 8000 more words uttered by this old guy and save ourselves some time).

Jade Emperor: Good speech, Lord Lao Zi. (Three emojis of applause followed)

Sanzang: I support the Jade Emperor.

Xiangyu The King: You are full of shit! I’m going to continue giving out more Red Envelopes.

Bull Demon King: YuYu, I found a divine garment with golden threads. I’m going to send it to you right now!

Jade Face Fox: Brother bull. You are so full of love. (Heart-shaped emoji)

Princess Iron Fan: (Three knives emoji).

They started to flood the forum with their conversations.

”I don’t think they’ll be giving out the Red Envelopes any time soon.” Chen quickly swapped his SIM card from his old cellphone to the new cellphone. Then, he rushed to the bus stop. He didn’t even check the contents of two Red Envelopes that he had just received. He only had his revenge in mind.

TL notes

Chang’e- Chinese goddess of the Moon.

Bull Demon King- A demon king from the novel ”Journey to the West”.

Xiangyu, The King- prominent warlord in the late Qin dynasty.

Lord Guan- A general serving under the warlord Liu Bei in the late Eastern Han dynasty.

Qin Qiong- A Chinese general who lived in the early Tang dynasty

Skeletal Queen- A bone demon from the novel ”Journey to the West”.

Spider Demon- Demonic character from the novel ”Journey to the West”.

Jade Emperor- Supreme deity who governs the cosmos and resides in a magnificent palace in the highest part of heaven along with his large family and entourage of ministers and officials.

Sanzang- Central character in the novel Journey to the West

Jade Face Fox: Daughter of Fox Demon from the novel ”Journey to the West”.

Princess Iron Fan- Also known as Demonic Lady, a fictional character from the novel Journey to the West. She is the wife of the Bull King.

The Grand Supreme Elderly Lord- one of the highest deities in Taoism

Li Bai: Famous poet

Du Fu: Famous poet