My Girlfriend is Santa Claus & Together We Must Stop the Christmas Apocalypse Based on a True Story

Santa thought to herself, took a sip of her drink, then licked the chocolate foam off her lip and said, “Nothing makes a girl angrier than ignoring her.”

“So I should just… ignore the reindeer?”

“Cut all contact. Like an ex-girlfriend. They’ll be so pissed.”

The idea germinated in Peter’s mind for a moment.

“I can do that. Yeah, that’s easy.”

The next day when Peter went out to do the chores with Yukina his venomous thoughts were embroiled with Santa’s advice. He would not speak a word or even look at them. The sexy reindeer greeted him with cat-calls and whistles as he approached the stables, but he remained steadfast and kept his eyes locked forward, biting his tongue, clinching his lips, anything to stop himself from smiling. He went to Rarirurero first, fed her by hand, and spoke kind words to her, called her cute, and pet her atop her head. When he went to Aiueo’s pen next, he dumped the food into her trough and continued his walk.

“Hey!” she shouted. “I like to be hand fed too! Hey! I’m talking to you!”

But Peter had already gone onto the next pen. The reindeer lowered her antlers to welcome a sensuous head pat, but Peter ignored this, dumped the food in her trough and kept on walking. When all the stubborn reindeer were fed Zazizuzezo caught on to his game and spelled it out for her slow witted friends.

“He’s giving us the silent treatment. You think that’ll actually work on us?”

Yukina, full of happy thoughts and covered head to toe in reindeer furs, entered the stables and handed Peter a brush. She asked him if he could rake it through Naninuneno’s fur. Peter agreed, and Naninuneno stood by the gate to her pen, turned and leaned backwards to spill her long hair out like a Rapunzel. But Peter walked past her and went to Rarirurero’s pen instead, and started brushing her hair.

“Hey! She said to brush me! Not her! Hey! I’m first!”

Peter started humming a Christmas song to Rarirurero.

“You bastard! I know you can hear me!”

When Peter finished he left the brush at the edge of Naninuneno’s pen. The shunned reindeer pouted and looked back and forth from the brush to Peter and then back to the brush.

“I don’t need you, Peter! I can do this myself!”

Naninuneno held out her human hands towards the brush, as if she were readying herself to catch a mouse that might jump away. For you see, when you have hooves most of the time, the sudden addition of fingers that you’ve never really used for anything before can be quite tricky. Like a moron, the reindeer trapped the brush between her palms, stuck her tongue out as she concentrated on bending her fingers to grasp it and then she leaned her head down and tried to move her hair across a stationary brush. It didn’t take long for the brush to fall out of her clumsy reindeer hands and she shouted, “This is haaaaaaaard! Peteeeeeer!”

Babibubebo stood up on a bucket and held her chest out.

“Look! Reindeer boobs!”

But not even the reindeer boobs could tempt Peter to break his cold blooded vow of chastity. This mission was more important than those titillating toys— it was for Rarirurero’s sake. Even though the reindeer were always topless, and he had seen them naked from the waist up for many days, Peter fought against every male instinct in his body to gape wide-eyed at the reindeer temptress. Fight it, Peter! Don’t let this reindeer bully bounce and jiggle her way into your sight. Oh the conflict! Peter’s dick says he loves them but his heart says he hates them! Which mind will prevail in this battle? A war between devouring lust and dire injustice! His id butting heads with his empathy!

As Peter went about refilling Rarirurero’s humidifier, the stable became a frenzy of feminine voices. These wanton seductresses beckoned to him to come near— and all subtleties had gone completely out the window.

“Peter, darling… I’m ready for you now. Come to me. Kiss me and caress me.”

“I have eyes only for you, Peter. Please stay with me here tonight. I promise we’ll have lots of fun together.”

“Peter.” Kakikukeko glared at him with an obscene intensity. “Have sex. Have sex. Have sex. Have sex. Have sex with me.”

“Why is everyone acting so weird?” Rarirurero asked.

“Who?” Peter asked.

“Everyone! Are you blind or something?”

Peter laughed and scratched Rarirurero behind her ears. The other reindeer groaned with jealousy when they saw her smile and tap her hoof involuntarily. Perhaps you’re too young to know this, naïve reader, but every girl— human, elf, reindeer, snow witch, sugar plum fairy, et cetera— has a secret place they love to be touched. Like a fanticiful reset button, when you gently strum your callused, masculine thumb over this secret spot, their legs turn to jelly and adorable, girlish cries escape their lips involuntarily. For reindeer this secret spot is sometimes their cotton fluff tail, sometimes their long, fuzzy ears, but for her it was the antlers. To touch Rarirurero’s antlers was like sending lightning bolts from her brain down to her hooves.

“Peter! Peter! Over here! Do me next!” Aieuo jumped up and down in her pen with her arm raised.

“I guess I wouldn’t mind if you fondled my antlers too…” Zazizuzezo thought aloud with arms crossed to emphasize her chest.

“Goodnight, Rarirurero,” Peter said seductively.

Stone-faced and looking straight ahead, Peter walked through a gauntlet of reindeer hands clawing for his body. It was like a female prison, and Peter was a K-pop idol visiting the sex-starved inmates. The madness induced from his agonizing cold shoulder was reaching its climax. He was heading out the door without so much as a glance, a peep, not a single reprimand! It was torture to the attention whores! Santa was a genius! Cutting all contact with girls truly did drive them insane! All seven reindeer groaned when they saw Peter closing the stable doors.

“Peter?— Goodnight!”

And then the stable was shut and locked, and there was no light in the darkness, save from the glittering fairy lights in Rarirurero’s pristine pen.