The Overlord of Puluo

If. Hungry. Eat.

The Judge’s Brush suddenly said those three words. Then it went quiet again.

The fortune teller did not have the ability of Perceiving the Spirit’s Melody, so he could not hear the Judge’s Brush. Even so, he sensed that the atmosphere in the room had changed slightly.

On the wide mouth of the gramophone’s horn, tiny droplets appeared.

”Mustn’t eat him, mustn’t eat him,” the Gramophone murmured to herself. ”We still need this old thing to guide my husband out of the city.”

The Gramophone was not short on food, so the thought vanished from her mind almost as soon as it appeared.

Li Banfeng, however, did not dismiss it at all. ”Wifey, eat him!”

”Husband, we can’t eat this person yet...”

”Eat him now.”

”If we eat him now, how will you...”

Li Banfeng looked at the Gramophone. ”Are you not listening to me?”

The Gramophone pondered for a while. Then, a thin, ghostly mist began to seep out of the mouth of the horn.

The fortune teller’s face was drained of color.

”What are you doing?” he cried. ”Young man, don’t you want to leave? Do you plan to stay trapped in this city for the rest of your life? I can take you out. I know the way out. I’ll take you—”

Bang!

Li Banfeng gave the fortune teller a sharp kick.

The man lurched forward, stumbling helplessly until he landed right in front of the Gramophone.

At once, the great horn let out a furious whirl.

Whooooosh!

Wifey inhaled.

The fortune teller’s soul disappeared straight into the horn as if it had been sucked up by a greedy vacuum. When everything finally settled, there was no body left on the floor. Only a dreadful mess of scattered flesh and splashes of blood.

Li Banfeng looked at the Crimson Lotus. ”Eat.”

The Crimson Lotus glanced at the scraps of flesh on the floor but did not take a bite.

She disliked eating mundane things. Yet the body of a cultivator should not have counted as mundane.

Could it be that the flesh did not belong to the fortune teller at all? If so... what was the point of those three scraps of meat?

Were they only there for disguise, meant to make the fortune teller look more human? That seemed rather unnecessary.

Li Banfeng could see that the fortune teller was a ghost because he possessed the Keen-Eyed Perception technique. Ordinary people who entered Yuren City saw them as normal humans and had no way of telling they were dead souls.

For the moment, Li Banfeng did not worry about what the flesh was for. Instead, he focused on a simpler question.

If these scraps of flesh did not belong to the fortune teller, then it likely had not grown on him either, which meant that he had likely gotten it from somewhere else.

At that thought, a chill ran down Li Banfeng’s spine.

The people at the inn had chased him the entire time, and the fortune teller had been trailing him as well. Most likely, what they wanted was the flesh on his body.

If Li Banfeng had not been used to hiding inside his Pocket Dwelling, he would have died at that inn long ago. The innkeeper was a fourth-level Folly Cultivator, which meant that he would be far more troublesome to deal with than this fortune teller.

There are still many Folly Cultivators in the city. So why did none of them try to make a move against me?

The man selling herbal plasters.

The bystanders watching the commotion.

The auntie who gave me directions...

That auntie!

She did not actually give me directions. She told me to follow her into her house and drink some water.

If I step into her house... would that be the moment she makes her move?

Just like the inn. The moment I step inside, it is the same as entering the innkeeper’s house. Once I am inside, he can kill me.

As for the others, I never enter their homes, so there is no way they can kill me.

Is this the rule of Yuren City?

But then why did the fortune teller try to kill me? Did I enter his house?

Oh... I did.

The abandoned mansion was his house.

That fortune teller was truly insidious. He actually tricked me into entering his house.

Li Banfeng hugged the Gramophone and planted a kiss on the large horn. ”Wifey, I have figured everything out. Don’t you think I’ve gotten much smarter?”

Li Banfeng’s mind had finally cleared. In fact, Gramophone Wifey seemed much clearer-headed as well.

Pop... crackle... pop...

”Heyaaaaa~ Husband dear~ Was I, your little wifey, affected by his ability as well?”

The Pocket Dwelling fell silent. For a few seconds, nothing happened.

Then Wifey erupted. Smoke blasted out of all three horns as she roared, ”A mere level-two cultivator managed to affect me with his ability? What kind of ridiculous nonsense is that?!”

The Crimson Lotus did not laugh at her. After all, only moments earlier, her own thoughts had been tangled into a dreadful mess.

The abilities of Folly Cultivators were simply too powerful.

Li Banfeng sat on the edge of the bed and thought for a long while. At last, a plan took shape in his mind. It was simple. And rather brutal.

”Wifey, in a moment I will push another gramophone outside and play some music to lure the wandering souls into the house.

”Once one comes in, I’ll shut the door and hand it over to you. You can interrogate it until we find out how to leave this city.”

”Husband, getting an answer is easy. The hard part is knowing whether it’s true or false.”

”No need to figure that out. I’ll catch another one and bring it back. You can interrogate that one too. If the two testimonies match, we will know they are telling the truth.”

Pop... crackle... pop...

Wifey let out a small puff of steam. ”That could work.”

Li Banfeng dragged the windmill-powered gramophone out of the third room. Just as he was about to step outside, Dream Virtue suddenly spoke. ”Sir, it’s time for you to sleep.”

”Sleep? For what?” Li Banfeng replied. ”Are you trying to drag me into another dream?”

Dream Virtue lowered his head shyly. ”I helped in that battle just now.”

Li Banfeng snapped, ”Help? What help did you give? You scolded him for having no virtue and ended up causing me issues. You call that helping?”

Dream Virtue lowered his head even further, looking quite aggrieved. ”That... was an accident.”

Seeing how angry Li Banfeng was, the Gramophone spoke up to calm him. ”Husband, eat something and rest for the night. You’re exhausted.”

Li Banfeng ate two cans of food, then lay down on the bed and soon fell asleep, lulled by Dream Virtue’s pleasant singing.

The Gramophone slowly turned toward the illustrated calendar. ”There will be fighting again tomorrow. Don’t let him have nightmares. You did not perform well today, but I will not punish you this time. If it happens again, I will not be so lenient.”

Dream Virtue quickly bowed. ”Thank you for your generosity, Madam.”

The Judge’s Brush gave a disdainful snort. ”Still too much.”

The Gramophone blasted out a puff of steam that scalded the Judge’s Brush bright red. ”What exactly is too much?”

”Hmph!”

The burn clearly hurt, but the Judge’s Brush was far too lazy to dodge. It simply continued lying there.

***

That night, Li Banfeng arrived at Iron Goat Mountain.

Rong Yeguang, the big ladle handle, was nowhere to be seen. Only Lu Xiaolan remained behind to guard the mountain gate.

Using the Pocket Dwelling, Li Banfeng slipped quietly into the stronghold. He killed Lu Xiaolan, seized one hundred thousand silver dollars, and then set the entire place ablaze.

Flames leapt into the night.

”Hahaha!” Li Banfeng stood in the middle of the burning stronghold and burst into wild laughter.

Then Li Banfeng woke up. Such a wonderful dream had ended just like that. He could not remember most of it anymore, but he knew it had been a good one.

Seeing the fierce look in Li Banfeng’s eyes, Dream Virtue trembled inside the illustrated calendar. ”Sir, you laughed yourself awake in the dream. That really isn’t my fault. Madam, please say something!”

Li Banfeng could not be bothered to teach Dream Virtue a lesson. He still had to go outside and capture some wandering souls.

The Gramophone called out to him. ”Husband, go ask the Judge’s Brush. It seems he has a way to deal with the Folly Cultivators.”

What method could he possibly have? Still, he had spoken yesterday.

Li Banfeng picked up the Judge’s Brush and asked sincerely, ”Brother Brush, if you know a way out of the city, tell me. You surely don’t want to stay trapped here either.”

The Judge’s Brush pondered for a long while. It seemed as if it wanted to say something, yet simply could not be bothered to speak.

Perhaps the matter could not be explained in a sentence or two. Li Banfeng tried a different question. ”Then tell me this first. Will my plan work?”

”Too much,” the Judge’s Brush said in just two words.

Li Banfeng did not get angry. He lowered his head and thought carefully about those two words. ”Do you mean I’m overthinking this, or that I’m doing too much?”

”Both.”

”How is it too much?”

”Ruthless one watching.”

What ruthless one?

”Do you have a simpler method?”

”Haaaaaa.” The Judge’s Brush let out a long sigh. After waiting for more than two minutes, it finally spoke four words. ”A fool may think a thousand times...”

Li Banfeng knew that idiom. Even a fool who thinks a thousand times will eventually gain something.

”But if that’s what you mean, then I still haven’t thought enough.”

The Judge’s Brush sounded utterly helpless. After another two minutes, it said five more words. ”Worrying about gains and losses.”

A fool thinking a thousand times... worrying about gains and losses? Li Banfeng thought. What do those idioms mean when put together?

”Brother Brush, I don’t understand.”

The Judge’s Brush replied helplessly, ”Want to leave the city? Walk.”

”I can’t walk out! If I could leave just by walking, would I be going through all this trouble?”

The Gramophone grew impatient. ”Husband, this is my fault. Stop asking him. Let’s get on with the real task.”

Li Banfeng pushed the windmill-powered gramophone toward the doorway. Just as he reached the door, the Judge’s Brush suddenly shouted, ”You dimwit! Pay the price for using me! Pay what you owe!”

The Judge’s Brush had spoken so many words at once that Li Banfeng froze for a moment.

What I owe? Oh shit!

Back in Hundred Vines Gorge, the Judge’s Brush had once moved Elephant Qiu, carrying him more than one kilometer away.

He had always been too lazy to ask for payment before, but now he suddenly demanded it.

Back then, he had exerted a great deal of effort. If that favor had to be repaid now, Li Banfeng would be forced into laziness for quite some time.

What was he supposed to do now?

”Brother Brush, let’s talk this over. Once I leave Yuren City, then...”

It was too late. Li Banfeng was already too lazy to finish his sentence. The Judge’s Brush had made him pay the price.

Li Banfeng turned and looked at the bed. He really wanted to lie down.

If I can lie down, why should I be sitting? No! No! I mustn’t lie down. If I lie down now, who knows how long I’ll stay there?

At this moment, the key was still outside. During the fight with the fortune teller, Li Banfeng had casually tossed it somewhere in the abandoned mansion.

Leaving it in the courtyard like that was not a good idea. The Folly Cultivators were far too cunning. If the fortune teller had accomplices, someone might already have picked it up.

No matter what, he had to go outside and check. At the very least, he needed to move the key to another place.

That damned Judge’s Brush just had to demand its payment today. I swear I’ll... Nevermind. I am too lazy to scold it...

Li Banfeng gritted his teeth and pushed the door open. He glanced back at the windmill-powered gramophone.

Should he push it out? Why bother? It’s so heavy.

Li Banfeng walked out empty-handed. He was too lazy to bring even a single enchanted artifact.

After stepping outside, Li Banfeng picked up the key and immediately felt the urge to go back inside and lie down.

No. I must find a place to hide the key first. Is there a good spot in this mansion? Li Banfeng thought. I need to guard against the fortune teller’s accomplices, so I can’t hide the key in this house. Let me go outside and see if there’s a good hiding spot.

Once outside, Li Banfeng looked around. The area outside the abandoned house was wide and empty. There was nowhere suitable to hide the key.

Why am I so obsessed with hiding the key? Li Banfeng muttered inwardly. Wasn’t I trying to leave the city? If I just keep walking... will I walk straight out of the city? Could something that convenient really happen? For the past two days, I have been searching for the way out. How can I even think that wandering around would get me out of this city? Forget it. I better go back and lie down.

He looked back at the abandoned house behind him and hesitated.

He had already come out. Going back felt like too much trouble. If he didn’t go back, should he keep walking?

That sounded tiring too. How about just lying down right here?

***

Li Banfeng’s willpower was still fairly strong. He fought the urge to lie down on the ground and fall asleep, and kept walking down the alley.

Leave the city. Li Banfeng thought. I have to leave the city!

After walking for a while, the alley bent around a corner.

If I want to leave the city, I should probably walk a straight line. Should I climb over the wall then? Nevermind. Climbing a wall sounds exhausting.

A small detour should be fine. Let me just follow this path.

Li Banfeng trudged forward in a daze, focusing on resisting the creeping laziness and keeping his mind blank.

He passed through the alley and reached the main street. An old woman ahead called out, ”Child, are you lost? Come to auntie’s place and have a bowl of water.”

Still trying to trick me into drinking water? Don’t you have any new tricks?

Li Banfeng said nothing and kept walking. He couldn’t be bothered to speak.

Before long, Li Banfeng spotted the herbal plaster seller again.

The man was shouting at the top of his lungs. ”Family secret recipe! One patch and you are cured! Works like magic! That friend there has used my plaster before. Come on, tell everyone. Does it work or not?

”Friend! Say something! If it doesn’t work, I’ll pay you ten thousand! We can go to my house right now and get the money!”

Yeah right! Like that medicine actually works! You want me to go to your house to get the money. The moment I step through your door, you will kill me? Do you think I would be fooled by that?

Li Banfeng was too lazy to respond to him.

A street performer stood by the roadside, rubbing a scrap of white paper between his hands as if he were polishing it.

Suddenly the paper popped into a dove and fluttered away.

The performer called out to Li Banfeng, ”Two tricks! I’ve got two tricks right here! Want to learn them, friend?

”If you want to learn, toss me a couple of coins and treat it as a bit of fun. If not, just clap your hands and give me some encouragement.”

Li Banfeng was too lazy to even spare him a glance. He simply walked past.

Not long after, a man who looked like a traveling doctor came along with a medicine chest strapped to his back.

The man approached him and said, ”Friend, there’s a mole on your face that brings misfortune to your parents. I can remove it for you. Only one mao.”

Li Banfeng was too lazy to waste his breath scolding him.

I don’t even know who my parents are, he thought. And you are telling me this?

***

A breakfast vendor appeared up ahead.

That fellow looks like he recognizes me. Should I take a detour? So what if he recognized me? Taking a detour would be too much trouble. No detour!

Further ahead was the Kindred Wayfarers Inn.

This time I should go around it, right? No! No detour! It’s exactly because I kept wandering all over the place that I still haven’t found the city gate. I refuse to believe the people in that inn are watching me the whole time. And even if they are watching, so what?

If I can beat them, I’ll fight. If I can’t beat them, I’ll run. So why bother detouring?

He kept walking like that. After more than two hours, he finally looked up. The city gate was right in front of him.

I am out? Just like that? I stopped thinking about everything, and now I’m out? That’s a bit... Forget it. Nothing special.

Li Banfeng was too lazy to feel happy. For a moment, he thought about breaking into a sprint and getting as far away from this place as possible. He hesitated before giving up on the idea.

I can’t run. It’s too tiring. Let me just walk slowly.

Wifey said there is only one Daoist Path under heaven capable of overcoming the Folly Cultivators, yet its cultivators are powerless to fight them. Could that Daoist Path be Lazy Cultivation?

Is ”powerless to fight” meant literally? Not because Lazy Cultivators can’t defeat them, but because they’re simply too lazy to bother? Is that what it really means?

Li Banfeng could not be bothered to think about it. After walking more than five kilometers, he saw a middle-aged man standing ahead.

Li Banfeng was too lazy to look closely, yet the man seemed oddly familiar.

Who’s that? Oh! Sun Tiecheng! The hunter! That bastard! I wanted to go to Iron Goat Mountain, and he led me straight into Yuren City! After entering the city, he even took me to that shady inn. You were the reason for my calamity, and you dare wait here for me?

”You...” Li Banfeng glared at Sun Tiecheng, then continued on his way.

I am too lazy to argue with him, Li Banfeng thought.

Sun Tiecheng still had that same simple, honest expression. He called out, ”Sir, could you come over for a moment? I need a word with you.”

”No.” Li Banfeng could not be bothered to say anything more.

”Li Qi, you have passed my trial of worthiness.”

He knows my name is Li Qi! What trial is he talking about? Li Banfeng wondered, but he could not be bothered to ask.

”Li Qi, don’t rush off. I have something good for you!”

Li Banfeng could not be bothered to take it.

”Li Qi, wait!” Sun Tiecheng called out. He somehow took out a bed and placed it right in front of Li Banfeng. There was no knowing where he got the bed.

This is damn vicious! Do you think I will fall for this?

After struggling for a moment, Li Banfeng lay down on the bed and yawned. ”Go on. Speak.”

Author’s Note:

PS: Hungry? Eat. Sleepy? Sleep. Tired? Lie down and rest. And if you want to leave the city, just walk straight out! A Lazy Cultivator lives by rules as simple as that.