Roommates With Benefits [BL]

The questions tumbled out in my head... messy and raw, and once they started I couldn’t seem to stop them.

Please stay with me...

Don’t regret ever wanting me...

Don’t leave me behind in the end...

My eyes were already wet, the pressure behind them building until the first tear slipped free and tracked down my cheek.

I laughed then, a wet, embarrassed sound that cracked in the middle, because even in the middle of falling apart I could still hear Damien’s voice in my head calling me Sunshine and laughing at the way I turned pink whenever he leaned in too close.

‎

‎”I love you,” I said. ”I...love you so, so much.”

And once I said it...the words came out shaking and stumbling, nothing like the careful confession I’d imagined and practiced in quieter moments.

”I’ve been in love with you. Even when you’re a teasing pain in the ass who somehow always knows exactly which buttons to push to make me want to throw something at your perfect fucking face, even when you drive me completely crazy, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” I rambled.

”That feeling used to scare me more than anything. I kept thinking if I said it out loud it would become real and then I’d have something huge to lose. But now I’m more scared of losing you than of the feeling itself.”

”The thought of you destroying your future because of me is terrifying... but the thought of not having you at all is even worse, despite how selfish that sounds. So yeah... I love you, Damien.”

I continued, ”So, so much. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but things kept happening and I was scared and also you kept being an absolute menace about the way I make coffee and—”

‎

‎I cut myself off with another embarrassed half-laugh, swiping at my face with the back of my hand, and the silence that followed was long enough for my stomach to drop straight through the floor.

Damien just stood there looking at me, eyes dark and unreadable, and for one awful second I wondered if I’d misread everything, if he only liked me, if the love wasn’t equal, if I’d just handed him my heart in the messiest way possible and he was trying to figure out how to let me down gently.

Even as he gave up everything for me...

‎

Then his voice came, quiet and rough, bringing me back from the insecure, anxious darkness in my mind.

”Say it again.”

‎

I sniffed, ‎”W...what?”

‎

‎”Say you love me again.”

‎

‎I stared at him, still nervous and confused and a little bit wrecked, but the words rose without hesitation this time.

”I love you, Damien.” I said. ”And I know it’s weird because we’ve been having sex with no strings attached and all and I not supposed to–”

‎

‎He didn’t let me finish.

One moment he was across the small space and the next his hands were on me, trembling just slightly as they cupped my face, and then he was kissing me like he’d been holding the words back for just as long as I had.

It wasn’t careful or teasing the way our kisses sometimes were; it was fierce and certain and a little desperate, pouring everything into the press of his mouth against mine until I felt the last of the fight drain out of both of us.

When he finally pulled back just enough to speak, his voice was rough against my lips.

‎

‎”I love you too, Oliver. God, I love you so much.”

‎

‎He said it again between kisses, quieter each time, like he needed to keep repeating it to make sure it stayed true.

”I love you. I love you. I love you.”

My fingers twisted into the back of his shirt, holding on like he might disappear if I let go, and his arms came around me properly, pulling me in until there was no space left between us.

We stayed like that for a long time, foreheads pressed together, breathing each other in, the earlier argument completely gone and replaced by something quieter and infinitely more fragile.

‎

‎Eventually Damien shifted just enough to glance down at the contract still lying on the floor between us.

He reached for it with one hand, never fully letting go of me with the other, and set it aside face-down on the desk as if refusing to let it sit between us anymore.

Then he drew me back in, face buried against the side of my neck, and I felt the soft, shaky exhale he let out against my skin.

‎

‎The external threats were still waiting outside the door...his parents, the blackmail, which fucking bitch was doing it, Frank’s condition, all of it...but for the first time the words were out in the open between us, irreversible and real.

We stayed wrapped around each other in the quiet dorm, the lamp still glowing soft and golden, neither of us quite ready to step back into the larger world just yet.

‎

‎He had given up his future for me. And somehow, hearing him say he loved me back still felt like the bigger miracle.

I buried my face against his shoulder. For a while, we didn’t say anything.

I just stood there holding him, feeling his heartbeat beneath my palm, realizing that somehow, despite everything that had happened, I was exactly where I wanted to be.

”No matter what happens with my family, I don’t regret it.” Damien said.

I squeezed his hand. ”Okay.”

”And you’re not responsible for what they did.”

I nodded slowly. ”Okay.”

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. ”We’ll deal with everything else tomorrow.”

I exhaled. ”Tomorrow sounds awful.”

”It probably will be, knowing us.”

”Thanks. That’s very reassuring.”

”You need sleep.” He said, ”Come to bed with me.”

I groaned. ”You’re ruining the moment.”

”You’re exhausted.”

”I just confessed my undying love to you! Come on, asshole!”

”And you can do that again after eight hours of sleep.”

I stared at him. ”You’re seriously sending me to bed?”

”Yes.”

”After all this?”

”Especially after all this.”

I narrowed my eyes. ”You know, for someone who just admitted to loving me, you’re quite bossy.”

He leaned down, kissed me once more, and murmured against my lips, ”And you’re remarkably difficult.”

I smiled despite everything.

”Yeah.” I rested my forehead against his. ”But I’m yours, aren’t I?”

His arms tightened around me. ”Always.”

And somehow, for the first time since the world started demanding pieces of us, that word didn’t scare me.

I liked that word...

Always.