Naruto : Venom

”But you would have never left if he didn’t.” Kakashi correctly points out. If Sasuke stayed I would have too.

”True. That does not change the fact that I left.” I counter his argument.

...

”You remain loyal to Konoha. You may have left but you didn’t forsake us. Sasuke, he did both. He went for his own purposes, his own goals, his own desires. You on the other hand attempted to make the best of a terrible situation.”

”Terrible? More like the fucking shittiest situation of all time with an extra serving of fuck you added on the side.”

”Language.” Kakashi narrows his eye at me. ”I let it slide when in combat situations because it throws the enemy off their game but not when we’re having a casual conversation.”

”This is what you call casual?” Good to know he still does that. I’ve missed Kakashi a lot, even when he does get on my case about things. ”I’d hate to see what you call serious.”

”When you’ve been included in wartime counsels your scope of casual vs serious gets drastically skewed.” Kakashi points out.

”You were in wartime counsels? Weren’t you barely a kid when the last war happened? Wait wait stupid question. Minato was your sensei, no shit he brought you along for those talks. Given you probably weren’t contributing to the talks but you were definitely paying attention.”

”You know who my sensei was?” Kakashi sounds genuinely surprised. ”And you know his first name? They’ve purposefully removed it from the Academy textbooks, it’s either the Yellow Flash or the Fourth. How much do you know about him?”

”You really want to know?” I ask him and get a curt nod in return. ”Alright. Let’s see… Minato Namikaze. Fourth Hokage of Konoha, one of the best Seal Masters to ever be alive, got his title Yellow Flash by slaughtering a bunch of Iwa shinobi and that’s one of the more recent reasons that they don’t like Konoha, his sensei was Jiraiya, he’s also signed the Toad Contract, he was the one that stopped the Kyuubi by sealing it into Naruto and a byproduct of that killed him since the seal he used required his life in return, he’s married to Kushina Uzumaki who he saved from being kidnapped and that was the moment she started to return his affections, he was sensei to you and Obito Uchiha and Rin Nohara, and this one is my favorite because everyone alive is doing everything in their power to ignore it: he’s Naruto’s father.”

Kakashi sits down right where he’s at in shock. He’s practically falls down to the floor, completely ignoring the perfectly good chair two steps away. ”H-how?”

”I’m in the information business.” I offer up a smug smirk. ”Did you really think I was spying on just Orochimaru? I don’t do half assed. I’m full ass or no ass. Wow that sounded way better in my head.”

”Holy shit.” Kakashi whispers out as he’s staring at me with one wide eye. ”Holy fucking shit.”

”Language.” I cheekily sass him as I hold out a hand to help pull him back on his feet. ”Come on, aren’t you supposed to set a good example for me? Falling on your ass and cursing is not the way to do it. Though it was hilarious to see that, just saying. Glad to know someone can get you caught off guard.”

”You can’t tell Naruto.” Kakashi demands while still sitting on his ass on the floor. ”He’s not ready to know, it’s for his own safety.”

”No shit I’m not a dumbass. Naruto would go boasting about it so much and the news would make it to the wrong set of ears. Then the loveable idiot has assassins after his head. Not like that’s a new thing for him with the Akatsuki and all but they don’t want him dead. They want his Bijuu.” I wiggle my hand at him. ”Plus it’s not even my place to tell him who his parents are.”

”Do you have any idea how many people would come after you for just that piece of information?” Kakashi takes my hand and I pull him back up. Then he goes over to the chair and sits - let’s be honest it was more like falls - into it. ”You’ve got accurate information on both Orochimaru and the Fourth Hokage? People would kill just to have an audience with you, no not even that. To ask you a single yes or no question about either of them.”

”Kakashi at this point my spy network spans the entire Elemental Nations.” I bluntly tell him. ”There’s only a short list of very small towns that I don’t have someone in yet. Every nation, major and minor alike, I have someone in. If I want a piece of information it’s only a question of how long will it take me to get it, not if I can get it. Honestly I don’t know whose is better at this point, mine or Jiraiya’s or Sasori’s. They’re the only other two that I know of that has something as expansive as mine.”

”Sasori? As in Sasori of the Red Sands? The S-rank missing nin of Suna? The one who earned his title by spilling so much blood that he turned the sands red wherever he went? That Sasori?”

”That’s the one.” I easily confirm. ”He’s actually not that bad of a guy. I met him once, he threatened me and then we talked it out. Had a nice little chit chat then went our separate ways. To this day I’m a little confused that it actually went down like that. Even when threatening me he was surprisingly civil.” Hell the entire Akatsuki are like that: surprisingly civil.

Except Kisame. Fuck him and fuck Muffins!

”You’ve… met him?” Kakashi asks me in surprise again. This is becoming a trend. ”How many S-rank shinobi have you met?”

”Uh… good question. Let’s see. The Third Hokage, Jiraiya and Tsunade are all the friendly ones. Then there’s Kisame, Itachi and Orochimaru which you already knew about. Then Kakuzu, Hidan, and Sasori. That’s only counting the ones that I’ve had conversations with and they probably remember who I am, it’s possible that I’ve unknowingly walked past one and even though I know most of the Kages are S-rank I don’t count them since I haven’t actually met them. So that makes nine S-rank shinobi that I’ve met and are on a tentative first name basis with. Holy shit that makes nine. How the hell am I still alive?”

Even better: it’s actually ten. I left out Tobi. Or Obito. Or Madara if he’s still going by that. Fuck it how about Mabitobi? Ma from Madara, bito from Obito and bi from Tobi. Mabitobi. Get it? Ma-bi-to-bi?

No. Just no. That’s fucking lame.

I’m totally going to say that to his face next time we meet. I bet his reaction will be hilarious. Or potentially life threatening. Better not. Who the hell am I kidding I’ll end up calling him that eventually.

”Alvarcus. You’ve got to stop doing that. I’ve barely met more S-ranks than you have.”

”I promise nothing. It’s not me who seeks them out, we just bump into each other and I scramble like mad to make sure I and everyone I care about can continue to breath. Even if I don’t have to breath I like breathing, thank you very much!”

”You don’t have to breath?” Kakashi asks yet again in surprise.

”Did I never tell you that?” Whoops. Guess I haven’t. ”Yeah I don’t need to. Found out when Tsunade of all people stuffed me inside a seal and presented me to Orochimaru in a vain attempt to earn his trust to get close enough to heal his arms when she really planned to kill him. That didn’t piss me off at all.”

”Alvarcus.” Kakashi sounds strained, like he’s in emotional pain. ”Please. Just stop with these insane stories. I don’t know if I can keep taking it one after the other like this.”

”Yeah my mission record is pretty… fuck it I’m cursing here. It’s fucked up. There’s no way around it.” Then I smirk with fake malicious intent on my face. ”Want to hear about the time I made eight highly trained assassin specialist shinobi surrender to me using only my words and superb acting skills?”

”No. No thank you.” Kakashi quickly denies. Then he pauses and reconsiders. ”Unless it’s funny.”

”Oh it’s hilarious!” I assure him.

”My hilarious or your hilarious? There’s just a little difference there.”

”I’ll tell you the story then you tell me.” I compromise with him and at his nod I start weaving the tale. ”So Orochimaru does this thing called the War Games to test his shinobi with as close to real live combat as you can get. And I know I only said eight but there were twenty four shinobi against Sasuke and I. This, this is the story of how we conquered them. It was total defeat, they never had a chance.”

”I thought you said this was supposed to be funny?” Kakashi cuts in.

”Just wait.” I promise him. ”It’s hilarious.”

...

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