Rising Shards

I was in terrible pain that morning. The last few days of not knowing were bliss. I was riding the wave of it without the truth of why. The pain wasn’t physical (sometimes, of course, going through all this could hurt like that). But more like a guilty vice. Oka was already so burdened with all the Kilander stuff she had to do. I tried to beg myself not to add to her list of stressors. I had never figured out how to make a crush go away in the early phases.

I already could feel how it would go. One minute I’d be joyous, relishing every smile, laugh, and times when I could stare without her looking. Then I’d want to cry. I couldn’t speak up about this to her. 

I’m not brave. I’m weak.

That was all I could think as I realized all my glances at her recently were at her eyes, her lips. How long had I been staring at her like that?

Oka stirred, and I flinched as she yawned and sighed, as if she could read my mind and knew my new secret.

Seconds after she shut off the alarm on it, Oka’s power blocker lit up with a call. She held it up to her ear.

“Yeah?” Oka asked groggily. “OK.”

Oka crawled out of bed.

“Morning,” She said groggily as she walked past me.

I croaked some kind of response. I thought about getting ready as well, but I was a mix of fluttery anxiousness and sleepiness. Phase zero was draining. I mostly just sat there dopily staring at Oka’s bed.

“I got a Kilander thing to go to,” Oka said as she grabbed her backpack. “See ya in class!”

I sat there and dopily stared at Oka’s bed a bit more after she left. After burning away more precious morning with inaction, I finally dragged myself out of bed, not wanting to start my morning routine once Kalei was up.

After a brush, double brush, brush, double brush, triple brush, double brush, I stared at myself in the mirror, partially to make sure I looked alright and partially in judgment of the crush I had fallen into.

I remembered a line from Last Flower of the East that I read while I was dealing with my first three crushes.

“That when I spoke,” I mumbled to myself. “I felt like I was unstoppable, unbeatable despite the odds against my fragile self. I’ll lie to the truth of my heart in a vain attempt to breathe again. I would be silent to the call because I was afraid of what it meant.”

“Zeta!” Kalei yelled, making me yelp as she announced her presence in the bathroom doorway. “Quit quoting…whatever that is. I need tie assist.”

I moved to stand behind Kalei and helped her tie her tie.

“One of these days you should learn how to do this yourself.” I said as I looped her tie around. ”And stop fidgeting, just stand still.”

“Nah.” Kalei said. ”I mean, nah to the learning it myself. I can stand still.”

”Can you?” I asked as I had to start over with her tie because she kept moving. 

”...nah,” Kalei said. ”Or maybe, I dunno?”

“How’d you know I was quoting something?” I said as I finished her tie.

“Because you’re always quoting something,” Kalei said. “That weird writing style Raina Starlight has is pretty hard to miss even if you’re muttering it.”

“Right,” I said.

I obviously couldn’t focus in class that morning. I’m at a freaking girls’ school, why couldn’t I crush on someone like on the other side of the dorms or something? That would have been better. I would only have to see them in fleeting moments. Instead, I could see Oka’s adorable preciousness every class and constantly be reminded of her warm smile, her generally pretty perfect hair styling, and every other thing I suddenly realized I was attracted to.

The end of Phase Zero of me having a crush: I check 3WMB and read the article on crushes and the physical effects they can have on the body. That’s when the roller coaster really starts.

Then after Phase Zero ends, Phase One immediately begins and Phase One is never a good time.

Phase One of Crush: Get real stressed about it and blame everything else for said stress.

I stared blankly at the section we had to read for a project for Soleri’s class. I stalled reading a sentence that started with “Upon further reflections, the Stamp Agreement of EM-1319 had many benefits to the VCV postal licensure including the additions of the font faces regaldribraund, formo, and droogus and their effect on Cani with the excess fur trait...” and couldn’t recover. I checked my progress for motivation, but I was two paragraphs into a 13-page reading.

I buried my face in the books, hoping for some kind of osmosis that would absorb the information into my brain. It didn’t help that I stupidly decided to read in the cafeteria, hoping to catch up on classwork on a day off.

Just as I weighed options to “accidentally” have my textbook destroyed, the others stopped by for breakfast.

“Zeta’s doing the thing,” Oka said.

“What thing?” I asked, worried she’d found out. “I’m not doing a thing!”

“You have a mark where your head was on the edge of the book.” Oka said. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but reading doesn’t work that way.”

”Oh,” I said. Just a school thing. Not a phases of crush thing. I rubbed my forehead at the spot where the mark was. I decided almost two paragraphs was enough to take a break and try to enjoy my fruit salad. And because I needed more brain focus power to not stare at Oka now that she had joined me at the table.

“How are you all keeping up with class stuff?” I asked, stabbing my fork in the plastic bowl a bit more aggressively than I normally would have. I tried to not make eye contact with Oka.

“Managing,” Kalei said. 

“This section we have to read for Soleri is just…so boring,” I said. “I feel like I’m going to fall into something past sleep. And if I do that, I fail and get expelled, but I’d be in a state past sleep so that might not be so bad.”

“Dude, weren’t you just in trouble with him and complaining about his class like a week ago?” Kalei asked. “It’s…repetitive.”

“Teachers give multiple assignments, Kalei.” I said. I had to throw her off the trail of Phase One. “Multiple assignments about fonts.”

“If I may add my opinion, a coma probably wouldn’t be your best option,” Oka said.

“My uncle once made my aunt tell his company he was in a coma, so he wouldn’t have to come in,” Aira said. “The real problem was when they came to check on him, and he had to actually put himself in a coma! What a goof.”

Aira didn’t clarify any further, and we were too afraid to ask.

“It’s not fun, but you do have to hit that point where you have to just start working,” Oka said. “If you keep up with your classwork, you’ll get there!”

“You sound like Lillia,” I said.

Oka changed her posture to look more dignified.

“Miss Faleur,” Oka said in a pitch perfect Lillia impression. “If you really give your effort into your studies rather than after school debauchery, then you would have nothing to worry about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to organize my encyclopedia encyclopedias, a collection of encyclopedias that are themselves a sorting of encyclopedias.”

“That was incredible,” I said.

“I’ve been practicing!” Oka said. “But seriously, don’t stress yourself out so much.”

Kalei took a big sip from her drink while subtly gesturing behind us. Lillia was suddenly behind Oka, glaring with her hands on her hips. Kalei bit her straw to stop from laughing.

“H-hi, Lillia.” Oka said.

Lillia adjusted her glasses.

“I’ll have you know that it’s not called an encyclopedia encyclopedia, that would be redundant,” Lillia said. “And it’s more of a list than a collection of books.”

Oka went red from embarrassment to redder from trying not to laugh. Lillia ignored her and turned to me.

“Although the point she attempted to make was sound,” Lillia said. “You really should focus on your studies, Zeta. It’ll aid you in school life and in the void. We’ll all need to be at our peak performances with the increase of battles for class soon.”

After reminding us that we all had her contact information if we needed a study partner, Lillia left, and Oka excused herself to go laugh in the bathroom about the encyclopedia encyclopedia. Kalei didn’t excuse herself to start laughing.

I wondered what it would be like to study with Lillia. She wasn’t exactly mean to me, but her personality was a bit stiff. Oka came back to the table still red faced but her laughing fit resolved. I bit the inside of my cheek to not freak out from how freaking adorable it was.

“I shouldn’t be so mean, that was mean,” Oka said. “Do you think she’d tutor me after I was mean?”

“It’s worth a shot,” I said. “I’m considering it. Oh!”

“What?” Kalei asked.

Another part of Phase One was forgetfulness about things I probably shouldn’t be forgetful on. While I was trying to keep up with my Soleri reading, I forgot another school requirement.

“I think I have an advisor meeting with Diast!” I said, checking my schedule. “And it’s...right now. Sorry, I gotta go!”