Lord of Rot

Porcupine Territory, Pigtail Bay.

Booming trade brought vibrant life to this small, rural territory. The whole of Porcupine Territory was like a high-precision Alchemy Machine, with every person acting as a screw, keeping it running with high efficiency.

Just as Porcupine Wine became famous throughout the Northern Territory, some wealthy merchants were also willing to pay for a few Little Pills under the ”Porcupine” name, just so they wouldn’t be at a disadvantage during a heated romp with a female Warrior from the North.

Once a reputation was established, all of a territory’s goods benefited, and new markets opened up.

But more often than not, it wasn’t just amicable, wealth-seeking merchants who were drawn in.

A merchant ship dropped anchor just outside Pigtail Bay.

”Can’t we get any closer?”

”It looks like they’re doing board inspections. We’re only allowed to enter the docks after they’ve confirmed there are no problems.”

The sailors on the ship whispered among themselves, not expecting to encounter such a situation on their first approach.

A dwarf, only half a man’s height, walked over. ”Then let them inspect.”

The crowd automatically parted for him.

No one present dared to underestimate the dwarf. It wasn’t just because he was the owner of this ship, nor was it just because he wore an ornate robe and bore the noble crest of the Tuna family. It was because of his massive head, so utterly out of proportion with his body, which was rumored to hold the merchant’s bible written by the Celestial Father himself.

The Tuna family of Monkey Island had escaped poverty, and the dwarf’s contribution to this feat was by no means small.

Some said that if it weren’t for his ugly, congenitally disabled body, his accomplishments would surely surpass those of his older brother, the ”Ostrich Eagle Knight” Morton Lu. Others said his achievements had long since exceeded that of the Ostrich Eagle Knight who rode a bald chicken. But no matter what, no one could deny the dwarf’s contributions... Oh, right, the latter rumor was one the dwarf himself had arranged to have spread. His father had even given him a stern lecture over it.

”Lord Lair!” ”But—!” ”My lord, if we...”

The sailors were in a panic. As a family that made its living on the seas, they had spent more time as pirates than as regular sailors, and they instinctively resisted being inspected.

Not to mention their mission this time was hardly a simple one.

The ”dwarf” Lair Lu smiled. ”We’re just here to do business, aren’t we?”

He stood on his tiptoes, straining to grab a wine bottle from the table, but when he tried to reach for a cup, he found he couldn’t get to it.

”I hate high tables. They remind me of my dear brother’s featherless wife. I can already smell the bird shit, damn it all!”

He was talking about the Ostrich Eagle. While it was true they weren’t much to look at, no one could deny their power. And power is beauty.

A nearby sailor fetched a cup for him.

”Oh, thank you for your thoughtfulness. You make this dwarf feel like the world is a wonderful place.” The ”dwarf” Lair took the cup, bit the cork out of the bottle with his teeth, and drank deeply straight from the neck.

The cup he’d been handed became a mere decoration.

”Hah!”

He let out a satisfied breath. ”I like Porcupine Wine.”

The sailor who had handed him the cup said, ”But my lord, that’s not Porcupine Wine. It’s wine from Leon City.”

”I just said I like Porcupine Wine, not that I was going to drink it!” The dwarf tossed the cup to the floor and said, ”I’ve never supported Morton’s ideas. Baron Porcupine is not someone we should be targeting. He’s won quite a few battles... Oh, right, and he has a flying horse, far more beautiful than my stupid brother’s bald chicken. I heard that horse can fly from Iron Valley to Porcupine Territory in a single day. I bet if Morton tried to do that on his little wife, he’d have to keep climbing mountains, jumping off to glide for a bit, then climbing another mountain. Ha ha!”

No one present dared to laugh with him.

”If he hadn’t spent so much time riding birds that his brain turned into one, he’d know that provoking a Porcupine is obviously not a smart thing to do! It’s deliberately courting death.”

One sailor couldn’t help but ask, ”Then why are we even coming to Porcupine Territory?”

If they didn’t want to provoke Baron Porcupine, they should be staying far away.

Everyone knew that their coming to Porcupine Territory today was not on the Ostrich Eagle Knight’s orders, but on the dwarf’s.

The dwarf let out a drunken burp. ”Did you know? On the Endor Plateau, in the far west, there’s a tribe that has a tradition of killing all disabled infants. If someone is severely wounded in war, they don’t treat them—they kill them. I was riding my pony at the time... Oh, speaking of my pony, you have to ride a horse on the plains. You’ve got to whip its ass to make it run faster, just like how if you go to Iron Stone City, you have to find the two tenderest young babes and pinch their snow-white... well, you know. It’s called ’when in Rome, do as the Romans do’!”

The men all nodded in agreement.

Though they had never been to Endor, or even Iron Stone City, they had certainly been to brothels and sought out women.

”The moment I saw that pony, a voice in my head kept telling me, ’Buy it. A dwarf riding a dwarf horse—it’s a perfect match, isn’t it?’” The dwarf gestured. ”It was about this high. I was genuinely worried that the horses of those prairie Barbarians wouldn’t even be able to see the little thing in front of their knees. When I had to look up to talk to them, I could even see the horse’s dick. Even riding it, I’d still be under someone else’s crotch, looking up at the bird. It was a perfect match for me.”

”Hahaha!” The sailors couldn’t help but laugh.

The scene he painted was all too vivid.

The dwarf, now an expert at self-deprecation, continued, ”Where was I? Oh, right. The tribe that kills disabled infants.”

He barely managed to recall the topic he was on before. ”When the prairie Barbarians saw me, they said, ’Hey! You dwarf, you’re damn lucky to have lived this long. In our tribe, we’d tie a rope around that head of yours—bigger than a turtle’s—and hang you!’”

All eyes turned to the dwarf, anticipating the rest of his story.

The dwarf continued, ”And I thought to myself, ’Man, that’s a bit of a stretch. Those Barbarians actually know how to use rope? I thought they were like their horses, only good for eating grass... or getting fucked.’”

”Hahahaha!” The atmosphere on the ship grew even more cheerful.

This satisfaction stemmed both from the mockery of the dwarf and from their own prejudice, as men of the Eastern Gorge, against the Endor Barbarians.

They even started to forget why he had begun telling this story in the first place.

But the dwarf’s story wasn’t over. ”Then they told me that because of their need to hang dwarves like me, their tribe had a severe shortage of rope. So I had to change my original plan and sold them a batch of rope specifically for hanging dwarves. I made a fortune from it. Because every time they saw me, they were reminded of the joy of hanging dwarves, our business together always went very smoothly.”

The laughter died abruptly. Everyone felt that something about the story was not quite right.

But the ”dwarf” Lair just grinned, poured another mouthful of wine into his mouth, and said, ”Let’s go back to the original question. We know it’s dangerous, so why are we still going to Porcupine Territory?”

He smiled. ”Maybe they need rope, too.”

The ship waited in the sea. After a while, a small boat approached.

The entire vessel had fallen silent.

A group of what looked to be young boys boarded the ship. They carried strange iron tubes on their shoulders, but the dwarf knew what they were. These weapons, named ”fire-lances,” had made their name in the siege of Longship Castle. Afterward, the lords of many territories, including Monkey Island, had begun trying to research them. Unfortunately, they had failed to grasp certain key technologies, and the things they produced always ended up blowing up in their own faces first.

If they could get their hands on a fire-lance and study it, Monkey Island could transform itself, possessing a formidable military power that no one would dare ignore—just like the rise of Baron Porcupine.

What surprised the dwarf even more was that this group of youths was also wearing full sets of lamellar armor, yet they looked like nothing more than green recruits who had never seen war!

”No problems, sir!” The young captain leading the group spread a sheet of parchment in front of the ”dwarf” Lair and said, ”You need to sign here. Please take the permit I give you and return it to me when you disembark to leave. Also, please do not wander around freely. If you are caught doing so, we have the right to execute anyone who infringes upon the rights of Lord Leech Clarence. Finally... Porcupine Territory welcomes you!”