The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 281: Chapter 281 - Friends?

”I can’t keep doing this, Zac.”

He looked at her for a long time before rubbing both hands over his face. ”I still want you in my life.”

Roxie’s stomach twisted. ”What does that even mean?”

”I don’t know. Maybe we stay friends.”

She stared at him.

”Friends?”

Zac looked at her, and Roxie felt something ugly twist inside her chest.

”God, are you hearing yourself right now?” Her voice cracked. ”The day you broke my heart was the day I lost my best friend too. You weren’t just my boyfriend, Zac. You were the person I called. You were the person I went to when something happened. You were the one who knew everything before anybody else did. So what the fuck are you asking me to be friends with?”

His jaw tightened, but Roxie couldn’t stop anymore.

”You want me to sit beside you like this and pretend it doesn’t kill me? You want me to call you when I’m having a bad day, let you come find me when I’m crying, let you tell me I’m beautiful, then go home knowing you’re still the guy who decided you didn’t want me?”

”That’s not what I said.”

”Then tell me what you’re saying because I can’t keep figuring it out for you.” Roxie wiped her cheeks, angry that the tears wouldn’t stop. ”If you don’t want me, then stop doing this. Stop coming every time I need you. Stop making me feel like I still have you when I fucking don’t.”

Zac reached out and brushed his thumb beneath her eye, catching the tear that had slipped down her cheek.

Roxie froze.

His hand stayed against her face for half a second before he seemed to realize what he had done and pulled it back.

”Roxie...” He dragged a hand over his face. ”I don’t know.”

Something inside her seemed to cave in.

That answer hurt more than she expected because she had been standing there waiting for him to finally say something definite. Yes. No. Anything she could hold onto.

Instead he gave her the same uncertainty that had been keeping her trapped between them for days.

”It’s either you want me or you don’t, Zac.” Roxie’s voice shook badly now. ”I can’t have you dangling me here because I don’t want Tennessee with you.”

Zac’s face changed.

He stood so quickly that Roxie stopped talking.

For several seconds he faced away from her, his shoulders tight, both hands on his hips like he was trying to get himself under control.

Then he said, ”You didn’t want a future with me.”

Roxie stared at his back.

His voice was quieter when he continued. ”What am I supposed to do with that? Let myself fall completely fucking in love with you when you already told me you don’t see the same future I do?”

The anger drained out of Roxie so quickly that she almost felt numb.

There it was.

Tennessee.

The future.

The same thing sitting underneath every fight they had avoided having properly.

Roxie looked at his back and suddenly understood why his version of love always seemed to come with a destination attached to it. Zac had always been looking ahead. Football. College. Tennessee. The next season. The next goal. The next place he needed to reach.

Roxie had never lived like that.

Most of her life had been about making it through what was directly in front of her. Food that week. Rent. Claire coming home. Claire disappearing again. Grades. Work. Cheer. Whatever problem needed fixing before the next one arrived.

The future had always been something Roxie assumed she would deal with when it finally became the present.

That didn’t mean she never wanted one with Zac.

She had barely known how to imagine one for herself. She never did.

”You think because I didn’t say yes to Tennessee, I don’t want a future with you?”

Zac turned around.

”You told me you didn’t know.”

”Because I don’t know!” Roxie’s anger came rushing back. ”I’m eighteen, Zac. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going to live for the rest of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to want in five years. Half the time I barely know what I’m doing next month.”

”And I do. I know what my future was. With you.”

”I know.”

”That’s the problem.”

”No, the problem is you decided my uncertainty meant I didn’t choose you.”

Zac stared at her.

Roxie stepped closer. ”You keep acting like I rejected you because I wouldn’t promise you Tennessee. I didn’t reject you. I was scared.”

”So was I.”

”I know. We were both fucking scared.” Roxie pressed a hand against her chest. ”We’re scared because this got bigger than either of us expected. We’re scared because we love each other enough that losing it feels like it would fucking destroy us. We’re scared because neither of us knows if we can hold onto this for years.”

Zac looked away.

”But you know what you did with that fear?” Roxie continued. ”You gave up first.”

His eyes came back to hers.

”You decided it was safer to end it now because I couldn’t promise you exactly what you wanted later.”

”That isn’t fair.”

”Neither is making me feel like I have to choose your entire future right now just to prove I love you.”

”I want you to want that future with me. I never want to force you.”

”You didn’t have to.” Roxie’s voice cracked again. ”Every time you talk about us, it’s Tennessee. Your plan. Your future. And if I can’t tell you right now that I’m going with you, suddenly I’m the one who doesn’t want us badly enough.”

Zac’s jaw tightened. ”I wanted to know you saw me in your future.”

”I did.”

He went still.

Roxie swallowed. ”I do.”

For the first time since the argument started, Zac looked completely lost.

”I just don’t know what that future looks like yet.”

Silence settled between them.

Roxie hated how exhausted she suddenly felt.

Zac looked down at the ground before rubbing his palms against his jeans. ”Can’t I just stay beside you until we figure it out?”

”As what?”

He hesitated.

”Friends.”

Roxie gave him a bitter look.

”Can you?”

Zac’s eyes dropped.

That was answer enough.

Roxie nodded slowly even though it hurt. ”Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

Neither of them spoke.

The anger was still there, but it had changed. Roxie felt hollow beneath it now. They were both standing there wanting the same person and somehow still managing to hurt each other because neither of them knew how to want each other without being terrified of what came next.

”Just leave,” Roxie muttered. ”Just leave Zac.”

Zac looked up. ”Roxie.”

”Please. Just go.”

”I’m sorry.”

Another tear slipped down her cheek.

Roxie wiped it away and laughed once under her breath because she couldn’t believe he was apologizing again.

”Damn you, Prescott.”

Her voice broke completely.

Then she was crying again.

Zac crossed the distance before she could stop him.

His arms went around her.

Roxie shoved at his chest immediately. ”I told you to leave.”

”I know.”

”Then fucking leave me alone.”

She pushed him again, harder this time, but Zac only tightened his hold.

”Zac.”

”I know.”

”Let me go.”

His arms loosened immediately. That almost hurt worse. Roxie stood there shaking, free to step away. Instead, her hands caught the front of his hoodie.

The sob that came out of her hurt.

”How can you do this to me?”

Zac’s hand moved slowly over her back. ”I’m sorry.”

”You keep saying that.”

”I know.”

”Then stop. Please. Just stop.”

His hand stayed against her back.

”Please stop crying,” he whispered. ”It fucking hurts when you cry.”

That only made her cry harder.

Roxie buried her face against his chest because she missed this so badly it made her feel sick. His warmth. His smell. The way his arms tightened around her when she shook. She missed his hands, his stupid hoodies, his kisses, the way he used to pull her closer when she pretended she wasn’t cold.

She missed everything.

And somehow, she was supposed to become his friend.

Roxie lifted her head.

Zac was already looking down at her.

His eyes were wet.

A tear slipped down his cheek before he looked away, but Roxie had already seen it.

Her chest tightened.

For one horrible second, neither of them moved.

His face was close.

Roxie’s eyes dropped to his mouth before she could stop herself.

Zac noticed.

His breathing changed.

Roxie knew that look.

She knew exactly what would happen if either of them moved another inch, and the worst part was how badly she wanted it.

”Roxie!”

Karen’s voice came from around the side of the gym.

Both of them froze.

”Roxie!” Angela called next.

Zac closed his eyes for a second.

Roxie stayed against his chest, her fingers still twisted in the front of his hoodie.

Then Karen and Angela came around the corner.